Archives for posts with tag: Relationships

When people start to give an alibi to justify whatever they have done or are about to do which pertains to not keeping agreements or abuses boundaries, I don’t bother to listen to the verbal garbage. An alibi is a lie and it’s not worth listening to or discussing.

When people wish to do something, they find a way. When they do not wish to do it, they find an excuse. It’s just that simple. Sometimes we get lost in the complexities but if we go down the the bare bones, it either is or isn’t.

Trust is about keeping agreements and every time the agreement is not kept for whatever reason, it erodes the trust whether or not there was a good reason for it. Basic respect for fellow human beings is the minimum for human interaction.

Review all your relationships and friendships and be stringent with the quality of interaction. When people do not respect us, they act in ways which make it evident. Even if the words are laced with sweetness, we will be able to feel that something is not quite right.

And when this is so, it is time to give serious thought about whether we wish to entertain and accept such toxicity in our lives and interactions. Do we wish to prolong something which is emotionally and psychologically unhealthy?

If we choose to prolong it because we wish to be passive and let things play out, we are taking an active hand in our own destruction and we should not be surprised it we start manifesting strange maladies and diseases. It’s like drinking poison and wondering why we are getting sick.

Let’s keep our mental, emotional, and psychological diet healthy and clean so that we would be able to better ourselves as human beings instead of always just surviving or learning how to firefight the latest emotional rubbish handed to us to disturb our equilibrium.

(c) Niconica 2014

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Timing is a personal issue, most especially when it comes to life choices such as getting married… There are people who know immediately that they are with the right person already and there are people who take their sweet time and there is no right or wrong as long as the person is of age and lucid with decision making and not under the grip of mental obscurations.

Nothing in life comes with a failsafe and nothing can be guaranteed for sure but we cannot use these facts as a crutch to keep us helpless and immobile. Life must be lived and the best way we can would be to choose to make the best decision possible given the information we currently have.

It shouldn’t matter how long the duration was from getting to know someone and getting married as long as we aren’t teenagers who most likely don’t know better or too young to even understand what commitment means…

If we are mature adults… Most likely in our thirties onwards and have a grip on our own lives, our capabilities, our expectations, our limitations and personal preferences, we should be left to our own discretion about our life choices including whom we wish to spend our whole life with.

Time is an arbitrary marker which may or may not have any bearing to choosing whom we are to marry and determining whether we have chosen correctly. It’s true time has some bearing on relationships more than others but it is to be determined by the persons involved based on their life stage and personal preferences and not by an onlooker who feels that their comments have any validity.

Getting married is already a big decision as it is and many things should be considered I’m including the life stage and chronological age of the couples. There are many factors and variables involved–known and unknown.

Side comments are annoying at best and irrelevant… Whether or not the marriage occurred too soon or too late based on other people’s preferences is ridiculously unimportant and only serve to estrange the meddler/gossip with the target of their attention and gossip.

The nuances and factors for every relationship can only be realistically assessed by the people involved and while the people in the periphery are free to be bystanders, their opinions and ideas about why or why not should not weigh much compared to the people involved.

This is not to condone elopement dans hormone based infatuation and rash decisions but merely to share the fact that personal timing is not everybody’s business… Hence, before proffering moot suggestions which lack the insight and wisdom to appreciate situations based on the unique factors and criteria, it might be wise to harbor some respect for other people’s decisions or at least maintain neutrality and keep unsolicited advice to oneself.

(c) Niconica 2014

One of the questions which besiege couples is “How did he propose?” This question is a loaded one which is not merely about asking for the description of the events, it contains a brick load of expectations which are toxic for all concerned–for the person asking as well as the people receiving the query.

How has it happened that lavish histrionic proposals are ranked high on society’s psyche and seems to engender social acceptance and a false sense that the proposal foretells the well being of the forthcoming marriage?

When the proposal is not television worthy, it received a disappointed response from the person who has asked as though he or she were reviewing and ranking the proposal. It would be nice if people asked questions only to find information without expectations.

Proposals which are out of this world and wildly romantic do not underwrite the quality of the relationship or love between the couple. It merely indicates the level of histrionic behavior willing to be undertaken for this given purpose.

Too much exposure to the media has caused us to lose sight of what is important in a relationship and in people. We must be able to respect that while for some people gossip worthy manners of proposing marriage seem to be suitable, there are people who take the road less travelled so to speak.

Somewhere along the way we have lost sight of the purpose if the proposal which is securing the agreement of the one we love to be our legal life partner. It’s not about drama nor theatrics. It’s about something more real–love. And hopefully a good dose of practicality and sense.

(c) Niconica 2014

We have become so sophisticated with so many facets of our lives that it has spilled over to the realm of love and dating.  We have become so versed with saving our faces and advancing our own interest that we have found many ways of being defensive when it comes to relating with another in the realm of love and romance so that we minimise our losses and are able to retract immediately and safely save our faces if it seems that the other is not on the page as us.

We become so obsessed with winning the dating ‘game’ that we lose sight of the bigger picture altogether.  We have convinced ourselves that we date and love in order to advance our self-interest and gain the most advantage without exposing ourselves or being unduly vulnerable or hurt.  If we think about it, this strategy almost sounds like the way we would undergo negotiations for business or even a strategy which might apply to warfare, and it is up for debate whether this is the best way to go about falling in love.

We cannot truly love when we are more obsessed with winning and preserving our own image.  Love entails a certain vulnerability and it is risky up to the point that it may actually be so painful that we may wonder whether we would survive a heartbreak.

We may see someone and wish to gauge whether they love us more and we may employ tactics which would assure us that they love us more or that we would not be hurt, we may also wish to ascertain their emotions for us before we surrender our own.  It is but prudent, yet at the same time, it robs the spontaneity and the raw authenticity which true fiery and passionate love is characterised by.

Love at its purest form is unguarded and undefended.  How often can we say that we have loved like this? Perhaps, we may only recall our adolescent days when we did not know any better–this was the only time wherein we loved with abandon–the first and perhaps even the last time we allowed ourselves to be carried away by our emotions, only to be destroyed by it.

After the first debilitating heartbreak, we start to employ more armour and adapt more defence mechanisms so that we may not experience the destruction and the pain we have gone through the first time around.  It definitely does have its uses, it protects us from completely falling apart and allows us to function without being destroyed.

However, it also takes away the raw beauty of love–the authenticity which is inherently unprotected.  When did we suddenly regard dating and love as a game or a battle where we must win at all costs and make sure that the ‘opponent’ surrenders or submits before we do?  It is true that the person who loves the most is at the mercy of the person who loves less but at the same time, the person who loves the most experiences love in a more genuine manner.

By all means, in business or in our careers, we must strive to ‘win’ and ‘prevail’ but love is not a competition wherein devious strategies would benefit the players.  Love is not even a terrain wherein winning would necessarily benefit anyone.  Sometimes when we are so calculated in the realm of love and even if we feel that we have secured victory by guarded and cautious moves, we have actually lost.

In our unhealthy obsession with winning in the realm of romance, we might actually cheat ourselves out of a wonderful soul-searing and life-changing experience called true love, which entails that we put down all our defences and is counter-intuitive to our notion of self-preservation.

(c) Niconica 2013

 

When we reach our thirties and forties, many of our friends and acquaintances have most likely gotten married and already have kids or are having kids.  Being single among our peers might make us stand out like a sore thumb and make us wonder whether there might be something wrong with ourselves–and similarly others might have the same thoughts about us.  After all, if we were probably more emotionally skilful or otherwise appealing, shouldn’t someone have snagged us by now?

It might also make us emotionally inept.  Lacking experiences, we might be wont to believe the anecdotes of our married pals who do not have a successful marriage and therefore have the time to still hang out with us and ‘kiss and tell’ so to speak.  The successfully married ones are less wont to tell interesting stories or spend time elaborating about the virtues of being single or go on about the woes of being ‘too loved’ by their wives that they feel that they are emotionally tethered and unable to be free.

We must beware of drinking water from a polluted well even when it’s the only one available.  At the risk of stating the obvious, these unhappily married people are the polluted wells I speak of, they are widely available and have the time to share their emotional toxins and negative thoughts and woes with anyone who would care to listen, and we might think that their tales are cautionary and informative of what might be to come for ourselves.

We must not seek advise or tips on having a healthy relationship or marriage from people who have failed miserably at it, despite their protests that they had nothing to do with the pitiable state of their relationship and claim to be the hapless victims in the situation.  As a friend, perhaps we might lend an ear to them if they need to share their story but we must discern that their predicaments need not create a map of fear in our heads about what relationships might be like–and make us cling to being single and causing us our chances at having a happy and healthy relationship.

When we drink (or take advise) from ‘polluted wells’ (negative people) we are setting ourselves up to fail by being contaminated by their thoughts, behaviours, and misconceptions.  We have probably lived in this world long enough to know that each experience requires our participation and it is very rare to find a relationship failing at the hands of merely only person.  We may wish to provide more wholesome point of views to our unfortunate friends and help them improve their relationships instead of enabling their negative thought patterns, or even worse, adopting their tainted view on relationships.

Do not seek advice about health from a sick person.  Do not seek guidelines on a successful relationship from someone who has failed/failing/ailing relationships.  It is simply this simple.  If we forget this fact, we will doom ourselves to follow in their footsteps and we will have no one but ourselves to blame for allowing it.

(c) Niconica 2013

 

It happens in one split second, and before you know it, you’re a goner.  You’ve fallen and you know that there is no backtracking–you’re helplessly in love and there is usually no fantastically profound reason for it except that you simply have.  It’s one of the most exhilarating and horrifying experiences one could ever experience and it involves a relinquishing of one’s grasp over one’s feelings and just letting it carry you away.

We are often cautioned and told to play mind games or hold our feelings back and it is with good reason that we are advised to do so.  Love can hurt.  Love can break us.  It is one of the purest risks that we would ever take and there might be no coming back from it.  So we try to avoid rejection and we try to keep ourselves safe, and we wonder why we feel that that there is something more to experience.

The moment that we affix high expectations on love and on the person whom we have fallen in love with, we have set ourselves up to fail miserably because it is more likely that ever that they may never meet our unrealistic and idealistic expectations of what kind of people they should be and how they should treat us.

We may also have strange ideas about what love is supposed to feel like that we wouldn’t recognise it even when we are deeply in and and by the time an inkling dawns, it might be too late.  We might have let pass us by because we are too scared to let go and allow uncertain and unknown experiences to take us with it.  We prefer to stay safe.  We prefer to stay in fear.

Whatever happens after, the moment we realize we have fallen in love, there is an imperceptible click in our hearts and everything just seems clearer and more meaningful and at the same time our emotions reach out to greater extremes than we care to experience when we are in a saner state of mind.  We can’t help it when we find ourselves in that moment.

Perhaps, it might end up badly.  Perhaps we might get hurt.  Perhaps it might not result in the ideal ending which we hope to achieve.  Perhaps we are just letting our fears run away with us and cheat us of experiencing the finer and more poignant experience life has to offer.  Perhaps we may let love in and experience the lessons and moments it has to offer us.  Perhaps it might be a risk which pays of.  Perhaps.

(c) Niconica 2013

 

Sometimes, finding a partner to share the rest of one’s life with may not be as self-determined as we thought it would be–it may be the luck of the draw, finding the person whose needs or wants match with our timing in a real world romantic version of musical chairs.  Does that person whom we end up with at the time with the music stops become more appealing and acceptable simply because we are ready?  Is it less Hollywood romance movie and more a matter of biology, practicality, and timing?

We would like to think that we would know whom we end up with but time uncovers the truth and we then discover whether we have found ourselves in ideal or favorable predicaments? Does it matter though by the time the decision becomes irreversible or at the very least, difficult to reverse.  It is hard to say going into a marriage or a permanent romantic partnership with someone and judging by the present set of circumstances what the longstanding effects would be and it becomes almost a matter of chance whom we end up with.

Whether or not we wish to acknowledge it, everything in life is ephemeral and unpredictable.  No matter how devious or calculating we may attempt to be, we would never really be able to outsmart life or our own karma.  We have little or no control over many facets of our life and it’s a sobering realization as we watch our peers, family, and friends get married that whom we end up marrying is the luck of the draw–of course, it goes without saying that we must do the best with what comes.

(c) Niconica 2013

The wide-eyed idealism which kept us in its thrall during our early twenties as we emerged from the rebellious teen years will be sorely tested and destroyed after at least three decades of existence when we realize that the notion that we can determine our fate is a limited one because there are many things which are beyond our control.  

It is said in Buddhism that the nature of human existence is such–plagued by constant change, uncertainty, and suffering.  We acknowledge the truth in this yet we do not fail to be surprised or shocked when people around us suddenly fall ill or die.  Another relative has been rushed to the ICU again and it is jarring because one minute, everything seems like it is going well, and the next minute, everything can be swept out from under us. 

The feeling of calm and peace is only there until, it is not.  Last year was punctuated by many upheavals, and just when I thought that perhaps this year might be different, here we go again.  It got me to thinking about how luck runs out and how it affects our lives.  Of course, luck is a cavalier way of putting it because luck is not accidental.

Even chaos theory perpetuates that there is some order in what appears to be utter chaos and this is the same way with good and bad luck which we perceive we experience.  Good fortune is not capriciously bestowed by a God or a pantheon of gods randomly, and the same goes for misfortune.  We are far enough into the age of science that we know that everything which happens is caused by other phenomenon.  Every single effect has a cause.  

This is the same way with good health, luck, and fortune.  These pleasant experiences are a result of good merit which we have acquired in this lifetime or perhaps previous lifetimes if we do so believe in reincarnation.  There is a time lapse between cause and effect at times so it is not always the case that doing a good deed immediately yields a positive result but we can be sure that any action which we undertake is not lost in the cosmos. 

When we observe that one’s luck is running out, it is simply because one is running low on the factors which cause good luck or health, which are merits accrued through good deeds and helping others; consequently, the unpleasant circumstances arise due to the negative seeds which have been planted in the past.  We know that seeds do not immediately sprout into plants or trees, and it takes certain causes and conditions, as well as time, so see the growth of the plant coming into fruition and it is the same way with ‘luck’ as we designate it.

When one’s luck appears to be running low or running out, it might be a wake up call to replenish the lucky currency which is good karma or merits which can be accumulated through helping others and alleviating others’ suffering.  This is a way to keep some control over circumstances in our lives even if the past cannot be altered and we might have to reap what we have sown, it need not be the case that what we reap should always be negative.  It is upon us to decide and make a choice now as to what our future might be–whether in this life, or the next.

(c) Niconica 2013 

 

It has been said that idle minds are the devil’s playground and it certainly applies in the realm of romance when we are suffering the pangs of unrequited love.  If we are mature enough to not stalk or prostrate before the object of one’s affections and beg for their love or attention, then we must know that keep ourselves occupied with something other than thoughts of the person whom we believe has ‘broken our hearts’ is the best way to deal with this.  It does not pay to go down the road of wishful thinking nor speculation as to why we have found ourselves in such a predicament.

The facts are clear when the person is not inclined to reciprocate our feelings–we need not delve into their inner thoughts not intentions because no good can come of it.  We must also avoid thinking that there is something that we can actually do to win their affections because once it becomes very clear to us that it is a lost cause–it often is a lost cause.  It can be hoped that we have lived in the world sufficiently long enough to harbour a realistic worldview which includes knowing that there are many things–in fact, most things–out of our control, and this just happens to be one of them.

As much as we would want things to turn out a certain way because we are convinced that they are our soul mates or that they are perfect for us, we must swallow the painful truth that they cannot be perfect for us because no one is perfect as well as the fact that they cannot be our soul mate if we don’t even warrant a strong or intense romantic response from their part.  True, soul mates can come in the form of friends, but that’s another topic altogether.  Back to the topic of dealing with unrequited love, we must strive to channel our frustration elsewhere and it would be good if we use the energy towards something which benefits the world in general such as volunteering for worthy causes, or raising funds for a non-profit organisation, or even, simply by donating time, money, or goods to charity.

There are many things which are out of our control.  We cannot make someone who doesn’t love us, love us… But instead of becoming a whirling dervish of gloom, we can instead choose to give happiness to others who need them even more instead of sulking and pining to the detriment of our own physical and mental health–as well as those who are around us who have to put up with our black moods.  Ideally, we must learn to accept the situation and let go of it but it might be too much to ask so perhaps keeping busy would be a better immediate antidote which might lead to eventually being able to let go.

(c) Niconica 2013

Perhaps it is because we are used to the constant motion around us–fast food, fast internet, fast love–that when everything suddenly falls quiet, we go into a tailspin and we wonder what is going on.  It incites anxiety and even panic.  It does happen though and more than once, and to more than just us, that communication with a certain romantic interest suddenly stops, and we wonder whether they have fallen into a black hole or have been eaten up by wolves or something.  As painful as it may be to hear it, chances are, they are completely fine and have all their limbs intact; it’s just that their opposable thumbs or any other finger is occupied with whatever is holding their attention instead of sending us a quick e-mail, a short SMS, or giving us a call as we might have wished.

They have not fallen into the black hole, but we have.  We have fallen into the void.  We find ourselves stuck and lost in a vacuum wondering what happened and what it is that has occurred to cause the ceasing of all communication and we wonder what we have done to cause it.  We then sink into a depressive reverie which we should eventually manage to extricate ourselves from, for our own good.  They might have a perfectly good reason for not contacting us that has nothing to do with us, or on the other hand, they might just not be inclined to continue further contact with us because we might have fallen into the background noise in their lives, or they might actually be avoiding us.

Short of confronting them about not being able to warrant their attention, or manipulating them, we must eventually come to terms with the fact that we cannot fore anyone to sincerely communicate with us.  Manipulation and guilt trips backfire on us because it takes too much trouble to sustain and even if we have the energy and the time to do so, we would know deep inside that whatever they are giving us is not out of their own volition and this will eventually consume us–if it doesn’t, it should. It is not pleasant to be in the chasm of not knowing what is going on and why we are not hearing from them, but we must grapple and eventually accept that this is out of our control, and what is in our control is our own lives, and our own actions.

It may not be easy to reconcile the painful sensation of being rejected, ignored, or overlooked but if we have at least three decades in us or more, chances are, we have survived worst than this communication blackout and we will just learn to call it a day and move forward.  We can tell ourselves that we have given our best effort to earnestly initiate a romantic connection with someone and it has not been reciprocated.  And this is all we could have done, because there is such a thing as free will and it is crucial to be able to respect and remember this fact.

(c) Niconica 2013