Archives for posts with tag: relationship

When we discuss certain interactions with people, we categorise the interaction as having “Good Vibes” or “Bad Vibes” and there are some people who are too logical that they do not account for the gut feel or the vibes we get from people and they would wish for some logical evidence that the person is indeed good or bad.

However, when the evidence that the person is bad is already there, it is often already too late to avoid them or damage has already been done. It has to be said though that negative people would have good vibes with people who are likewise as negative as they are so this would have to be considered.

People with like vibrations often attract each other and become fast friends. Criminals and sociopaths often hang out with each other and enjoy each others company and let this be your guide that “Birds of the same feather are often the same birds.” Try to let go of your saviour complex and delusion that you would be able to save or reform such a person.

People who eventually harm us are able to do so because they present themselves in a manner which allows us to let down our guard. So the comment, “But he/she seems like a nice person.” is not valid in such cases. Predators are great with conserving their energy for the kill so if they are able to disarm the prey who willingly submits to them, all the better.

These people who eventually harm us irreparably often present themselves in such a benign manner that when they start turning up the toxicity, we often wonder whether we are imagining it. If they presented themselves in a manner which clearly outlines them as negative people capable of harming us, we would not even have let them in close enough to do any damage.

Even if the person presents themselves in such a charming, likeable, and harmless manner, we must consider our gut feel whether we get “Good Vibes” or “Bad Vibes” from them. If we feel uncomfortable for whatever reason, we must not proceed with abandon because we might end up regretting it. We often allow our five senses to deceive our better judgement.

It’s time to be more vigilant and make better emotional choices since the consequences of faulty emotional choices can be deadly.

(c) Niconica 2014

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Have we become so jaded that we approach love as a form of power play?  We gauge each move and see whether the other person responds and we weigh our next move accordingly and see whether it would secure us the leverage we wish to prevail in the game? This form of approach is already dubious even outside the realm of romance, because the crafty shrewdness undermines honestly, honour, integrity, and what more, the highest of all virtues, love.

We are so uncomfortable at losing power or control over any situation that if we so much as express more emotion than the other and it is not reciprocated, we feel that we have not made the ‘right’ moves and it confers power upon the other over us.  Perhaps, in a manner of speaking, this is true.  At a base level, a love relationship is not immune to politics and plays for dominance, but this sort of approach demeans what it truly means to be in love with someone.

How averse are we to being hurt that we are willing to protect ourselves at any cost–even from ourselves or from someone else who may break down our walls and love us? There is nothing wrong with loving another, what causes us pain is the expectation that the love would be requited and it need not be. Yes it would be all the lovelier if the love was reciprocated, but it need not be.

We are capable of truly loving all by our lonesome, as sad as it might be.  We may only hope but we may not expect that the other be able to or should be capable of loving us back in the same manner or with the same intensity.  When we love, we must remember that it should be with no strings attached, otherwise, it detracts from the essence of love which gives freely without expecting another in return–though perhaps hoping for reciprocation.

(c) Niconica 2013

 

Perhaps there is some virtue in dragging out a situation for longer than is needed, but I can’t seem to see it.  I think that there are some things which have gone out of fashion together with the horse and carriage, and the manual churning of butter.  While advertising seems to extol the values of good old fashioned processes, I think that extending a courtship past a certain point just feels pointless and reeks of disrespect for the time and feelings of the other person.

Time is money and in the realm of budding relationship it also equates to emotional investment which is the currency of emotional connections.  The more time spent on getting to know the person may just equate to more emotional pain when the bandage is suddenly ripped out and the final results kick in.  I think that past a certain point, mulling over the viability of a relationship is just plain indecisiveness in disguise.

When we get to a certain age, we have an idea of what we prefer and it’s just insulting to claim to have no idea what one feels.  If it happens to be true then we might be emotionally retarded and that is just another matter entirely.  Nevertheless, it’s never too soon to to cut someone loose when we don’t have the intention of carrying through a committed relationship with them.  It’s cruel to drag a situation on with no intention of taking it to a more serious level.

We live in a fast-paced world whether we like it or not and when we take too much time to decide on whether someone is right for us, we might risk disrespecting their precious time and inadvertently lead them on–and this is just plain wrong and many other things along those lines.  It is true that only fools rush in but at the same time, taking too long is just similarly foolish, but only in a different manner.

It’s all well and good to go at snail’s pace during the time when there was still no electricity or even no internet, but in this day and age where everyone needs to earn a living and is not merely in a manor waiting for their servants to cater to their every move, we must be mindful of the opportunity costs our dillydallying may be causing the other person–or even ourselves if the other person decides to go for other options due to the prolonged mind games and lack of emotional clarity and direction.

(c) Niconica 2013

I can understand mulling over big purchases and researching before finally buying them because money does not grow on trees, but for some reason, I cannot understand when this attitude spills over to the realm of dating and picking a mate.  Logically speaking, since our choice of a life partner can make or break us, it is not something which can be entered into cavalierly and requires careful thought.  So perhaps a prolonged period of observation and interaction is justified before making any conclusion.

Be it that it makes sense to be cautious about our selection of a mate, I also believe that there is only as much as we can find out with observation and surface interaction and sometimes, it’s better to start dating seeing each other exclusively in order to find out more of the nuances up close and personal and whether we can live with these quirks. There is only as much detail that “window shopping” for a partner can provide and sometimes, we must simply make up our mind and jump in.

It is way too idealistic to think that upon a few interactions and with simply dating or being just friends that we can determine whether this person is the one whom we would be willing to make a life long commitment to.  It’s a romantic idea but it cannot hold up to reality because assessing from the entry point, it does not give us enough details or insight to make an informed decision. It also places too much pressure on the person whom we are considering to be able to measure up to whatever phantom criteria we fancy they must meet.

Experience is the best teacher and it is the same way with relationships.  if we choose to merely be friends or date indefinitely, it wastes precious time and is counterproductive to our aim of getting to know the person well enough to know whether having a relationship with them would be feasible in the long run.  Nothing replaces the actual experience of being in a relationship to find out whether the relationship can stand the test of time, it is not something which can be preempted and prejudged.

It puts an inordinate amount of pressure on ourselves too when we nurse the odd idea that if we enter into a relationship with someone that they would be ‘the one’ we are to make lifelong commitments too because we must always consider the inherent reality of life which is that everything is subject to change.  We may change our minds further down the road but it does not mean that we should cheat ourselves out of what can be a potentially beautiful experience.

In thinking that we must research for as long as we can before determining whether we are to go into a relationship, it shows that we are risk averse and that we which that our decisions be final and lasting.  It is understandable that as humans, we value security and permanence, however it may be too much weight for the reality to bear.  In order to experience life to the fullest, some measure of risk must be taken and we must give ourselves the leeway of making mistakes.

Finding an ideal partner who will be our first love, our first relationship, and our lifelong partner till death do us part would be a dream come true indeed, however, this scenario is too perfect that it would be very rare for it to be that way.  When we get attached to such standards, we sometimes forget that we are ourselves fallible and imperfect and expecting everything to fall into place in an ideal and dreamy manner is indulging in daydreams which, as pleasant as they might be, are a waste of time and would be detrimental to our finding someone who would hold up to the light of day as our romantic partner.

After a reasonable period of observation and interaction, it might be best for both parties to make up their mind and decide whether to give it a go, or just let it go.  Having uncertain situations drag on for an unspecified amount of time does not benefit both parties involved and furthermore reflects a lack of respect for the other person.  It might also cause the other party to perceive this lack of respect for their precious time and encourage them to move on.

(c) Niconica 2013

 

We might want instant results and answers, owing to the immediate access to Googling and Wikipedia, but with getting to know someone we are interested in, there is no better ally than time to aid us with uncovering whether the person is worth investing emotions in and whether our impression of them matches who we discover them to be through the passage of time and whether what we discover can sustain our interest and relationship dynamics.

Dating might not be the best manner in getting to know the other because it requires socially accepted forms of mutual deception owing to our desire to impress the other party and get them to reciprocate our feelings.  It is of course an enjoyable process but in the long run, when the real person is reveal, the reality might not live up to the glittery packaging and we are left floundering and wondering how we ended up in this position.

The social ritual of dating while being the norm in getting to know someone whom we are romantically interested in inherently contains some pitfalls because in hoping to impress the object of our affections, we try to minimize conflict and conceal our imperfections or true sentiments if it may take away our chances of securing the admiration and approval of our desired partner.

If the desired result is for a long term relationship, it would be valuable to address point of conflict and dissimilarities early on and this would require disclosure of the weaknesses which doesn’t usually happen in the early stages owing to the haze and excitement brought about by infatuation.  In getting to know someone, it’s not about grand sweeping gestures or romantic overtures, it’s the daily manner of relating and interacting which increases in significance as time passes.

It is these seemingly trivial ways of relating which are the fibers which weave together the relationship which only becomes apparently when we let down our guard enough to reveal our true manner or relating and being on a daily basis.  These crucial tidbits reveal themselves through the course of time and are best nurtured by friendship where there is no pressure or expectation from both parties to commit prematurely.

The process of getting know, while fraught with emotional vulnerabilities and turning points, is a necessary stage before even dating or committing because it is where we get to assess the other and their compatibility with us for the long haul, if it is what we desire.  With important decisions such as choosing a life partner, we cannot afford to be hasty or cavalier for our future happiness or misery lies in the decision which we make in selecting someone whom we would move forward with.

(c) Niconica 2013

 

It has been said that idle minds are the devil’s playground and it certainly applies in the realm of romance when we are suffering the pangs of unrequited love.  If we are mature enough to not stalk or prostrate before the object of one’s affections and beg for their love or attention, then we must know that keep ourselves occupied with something other than thoughts of the person whom we believe has ‘broken our hearts’ is the best way to deal with this.  It does not pay to go down the road of wishful thinking nor speculation as to why we have found ourselves in such a predicament.

The facts are clear when the person is not inclined to reciprocate our feelings–we need not delve into their inner thoughts not intentions because no good can come of it.  We must also avoid thinking that there is something that we can actually do to win their affections because once it becomes very clear to us that it is a lost cause–it often is a lost cause.  It can be hoped that we have lived in the world sufficiently long enough to harbour a realistic worldview which includes knowing that there are many things–in fact, most things–out of our control, and this just happens to be one of them.

As much as we would want things to turn out a certain way because we are convinced that they are our soul mates or that they are perfect for us, we must swallow the painful truth that they cannot be perfect for us because no one is perfect as well as the fact that they cannot be our soul mate if we don’t even warrant a strong or intense romantic response from their part.  True, soul mates can come in the form of friends, but that’s another topic altogether.  Back to the topic of dealing with unrequited love, we must strive to channel our frustration elsewhere and it would be good if we use the energy towards something which benefits the world in general such as volunteering for worthy causes, or raising funds for a non-profit organisation, or even, simply by donating time, money, or goods to charity.

There are many things which are out of our control.  We cannot make someone who doesn’t love us, love us… But instead of becoming a whirling dervish of gloom, we can instead choose to give happiness to others who need them even more instead of sulking and pining to the detriment of our own physical and mental health–as well as those who are around us who have to put up with our black moods.  Ideally, we must learn to accept the situation and let go of it but it might be too much to ask so perhaps keeping busy would be a better immediate antidote which might lead to eventually being able to let go.

(c) Niconica 2013

Perhaps it is because we are used to the constant motion around us–fast food, fast internet, fast love–that when everything suddenly falls quiet, we go into a tailspin and we wonder what is going on.  It incites anxiety and even panic.  It does happen though and more than once, and to more than just us, that communication with a certain romantic interest suddenly stops, and we wonder whether they have fallen into a black hole or have been eaten up by wolves or something.  As painful as it may be to hear it, chances are, they are completely fine and have all their limbs intact; it’s just that their opposable thumbs or any other finger is occupied with whatever is holding their attention instead of sending us a quick e-mail, a short SMS, or giving us a call as we might have wished.

They have not fallen into the black hole, but we have.  We have fallen into the void.  We find ourselves stuck and lost in a vacuum wondering what happened and what it is that has occurred to cause the ceasing of all communication and we wonder what we have done to cause it.  We then sink into a depressive reverie which we should eventually manage to extricate ourselves from, for our own good.  They might have a perfectly good reason for not contacting us that has nothing to do with us, or on the other hand, they might just not be inclined to continue further contact with us because we might have fallen into the background noise in their lives, or they might actually be avoiding us.

Short of confronting them about not being able to warrant their attention, or manipulating them, we must eventually come to terms with the fact that we cannot fore anyone to sincerely communicate with us.  Manipulation and guilt trips backfire on us because it takes too much trouble to sustain and even if we have the energy and the time to do so, we would know deep inside that whatever they are giving us is not out of their own volition and this will eventually consume us–if it doesn’t, it should. It is not pleasant to be in the chasm of not knowing what is going on and why we are not hearing from them, but we must grapple and eventually accept that this is out of our control, and what is in our control is our own lives, and our own actions.

It may not be easy to reconcile the painful sensation of being rejected, ignored, or overlooked but if we have at least three decades in us or more, chances are, we have survived worst than this communication blackout and we will just learn to call it a day and move forward.  We can tell ourselves that we have given our best effort to earnestly initiate a romantic connection with someone and it has not been reciprocated.  And this is all we could have done, because there is such a thing as free will and it is crucial to be able to respect and remember this fact.

(c) Niconica 2013

 

In this increasingly busy and complex world where constant movement and action is abound, being helpless is one of the worst circumstances to find ourselves in–and this applies most especially in the realm of romance.  We can only do as much because beyond a certain point, we would be stalker quality already–and this is not a designation we should find ourselves with or even come close to being.

We can keep on seeking a reaction from the person whom we fancy by reaching out through messaging or even phone calls, but there is a point where we must stop working so hard because it might be that the person is just not that interested in us and yet unable to rudely dismiss and reject us and they find themselves having to endure our bids for their attention.

We cannot force anyone to fancy us or to regard us in a mutually romantic manner–as much as we wish we could–short of a love spell, which is not worth the trouble it eventually causes. Yes, we must admit that this situation–when we fall for someone–puts us in a vulnerable position and we are wont to feel helpless in the throes of limerence or romantic affection for a person.

We might as well acknowledge the undesirability of finding ourselves in the embarrassing position of feeling that our love is unrequited–as well as the excruciating pain of feeling helpless. Yet, we must not do anything to force their hand; because it behooves us to respect ourselves in this manner.

Therefore, if they do so choose to come forward and respond to or initiate contact, we would then know that it is of their own volition, and not because we have trapped, guilted, or otherwise manipulated them into doing so.  If they don’t, then we must bear and grin the unfortunate situation because the truth is that most things are out of our control, and the sooner that we accept this painful fact, the sooner we can move on with our lives.

(c) Niconica 2013

 

Limerence is an involuntary state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one’s feelings reciprocated.”  This aforementioned quote comes from Wikipedia.  It is a concept which I have recently come across over a week ago.  It is an interesting phenomenon explaining what can commonly be attributed as a “crush” or “infatuation” without immaturity as a factor, and strangely enough, it can almost be considered a mental condition–and takes the romance out of attraction and “falling in love.”

It is strange to find oneself in the throes of unreciprocated feelings and obsessive preoccupation with a person whom one had been neutral towards before and find a clinical and scientific description of one’s experience and yet despite an intellectual understanding of one’s experience, be unable to extinguish the feelings for the person whom one fancies.  By nature, the involuntary nature of the feelings leaves us helpless, we can endeavour to avoid the person in order to limit or remove the stimuli from further engulfing us in the vicious cycle.

We must find ways to occupy our thoughts and cope with the situation until the unwanted intrusive thoughts of the person is no longer experienced and we are able to find ourselves unaffected by the mention of their name, their presence, or any communique from them.  Meanwhile, we must contain ourselves from badgering the person despite the desperate desire for our feelings to have our feelings reciprocated–or at the very least for our feelings and our presence to be acknowledged.

We must also not fool ourselves with the perennial excuse that we would like to be “just friends” with them because in all reality, we will just be extending the emotional torment and feeding on false hopes that they might change their minds.  Being “just friends” with them will further the addiction towards the person and will only be detrimental to us when the feelings are not reciprocated, which is why we have found ourselves in this undesirable state of mind in the first place.

We must find a way to detach ourselves and move forward–even if it is a step at a time.  It will be the only way where we may save ourselves from further emotional hell and live to love another day–perhaps in a more healthy and mutually reciprocated manner.

(c) Niconica 2013

For all our sophisticated technology and intricate systems of thought, there is nothing so simple and so effective as the truth.  The truth is pure enough that it holds true through the test of time and space, and sometimes, all it takes it the truth ‘to set us free’ as trite as it sounds, it is a cliche for a reason because it holds water.

Closure is essential when we conclude a relationship and wish to move on and as many external ways there is to cope with a break-up, there is only one essential ingredient to internally coping with it and it is being honest with oneself and the other about what has transpired and what can and cannot be mended, brushing off the dust, and moving forward.

There are many stop-gap measures to artificially mimic closure which includes jumping into a rebound relationship, badmouthing one’s ex, pretending that the ex or the relationship never existed, or avoiding meeting the ex or anything having to do with the ex for as long as possible. True closure involves being able to encounter the ex (whether online or in person) without ill feelings.

It is a pity that the worst break-ups which need the dose of the truth are often the ones which are not afforded the much needed post-break-up decompression discussion between both parties after a reasonable period of introspection and separation which allows both people to lick their own wounds and consider contact again.

Often when exes meet up they are compelled to show a brave face to each other and keep up the false front of nonchalance and feign smiles to show that they are fine and everything is back to normal.  Perhaps there is the intention of being in good terms with the ex, but intentions are often not enough.  It is this artificial sweetness piled up on top of damage that causes the situation to continue to be unresolved.

However, we are masters of escapism, what with so many distractions abound, we think that we can distract ourselves away from the fundamentals of relationships and human interaction where the truth counts for more than all the elaborate speeches and twisted mind games we can come up with.  Granted, the truth is not usually pretty, which is why we would love to cover it up with frills and flowers for as long as possible, but at a price.

Sharing our truths with an ex is not an excuse to attack or bash the other person.  If one is still angry, resentful, or hurt enough to be incapable of genuine goodwill in interacting with one’s ex to seek closure, then one should stay away.  However, when one is mature enough to realize that many a relationship’s demise requires a decompression period and a summary discussion which allows for genuine closure, healing, and freedom, it can be the time to step forward and share one’s truth with the other with no expectations of redemption or vindication, as much as one is tempted to have such.

Break-ups are complicated and both parties cannot be expected to be in the same mind space and our responsibility should only be to ourselves, to speak our truths with love and respect for the other person’s feelings, and when we have done so, irrespective of whether the other person responds or not, we must back off and live our own lives to the best of our ability.

We must remember that we cannot be in control of another’s response or reaction; however, we are in control of and responsible for our own actions and reactions. Telling our truth is never simple nor is it easy but it has value to our well-being.

(c) Niconica 2012