Archives for posts with tag: postaweek

There are times when the pain is so overwhelming that it fries our emotional system and we are unable to process new stimuli.  When people break our hearts unthinkingly then casually contact us after as through we are ‘on call’ and that nothing of significance has occurred, we might find ourselves at a loss as to how to respond–and we don’t.

In a manner of speaking, we are called to compartmentalise this event which does not compute and carry on with other aspects of our lives.  The contradicting actions of others may cause our system to be unable to comprehend what the intent is and we may feel confused as to what the other person intends with the connection.

It would be extremely insensitive of them to presume that becoming friends without so much as breaking a stride from the time that they have rejected us.  We might need some time to recover from the pain and assess whether we are comfortable with the notion of remaining friends with someone who has taken us for granted and abused our kindness.

It is not too much to ask of people to be clear about their romantic intentions in order to avoid leading people on inadvertently.  If they proceed in a manner which allows us to believe that they fancy us in the same manner, then without as much as blinking switch gears to a lukewarm or even cold treatment, we may understandably feel slighted.

We might want to clarify whether we are on the same page and if they brush us off with fluid evasiveness thinking that it would maintain their innocence in the whole interaction, it would betray their callousness and expose how little they think of us.  It should eventually dawn on us that it might not be healthy to pursue a connection with a person who lacks basic human decency–and there are many who merely adapt the appearance of being civilised.

When they pop up casually and resume interactions or communication in a manner which belittles the gravity of their actions, we may find ourselves frozen and our circuits fried enough to not be able to respond in any manner because the mixed signals might be way too much for our brains to handle.  Perhaps it means that, for our own wellbeing, we must merely let the matter drop and not bother figuring it out and move forward without hesitation.

(c) Niconica 2013

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We have become so sophisticated with so many facets of our lives that it has spilled over to the realm of love and dating.  We have become so versed with saving our faces and advancing our own interest that we have found many ways of being defensive when it comes to relating with another in the realm of love and romance so that we minimise our losses and are able to retract immediately and safely save our faces if it seems that the other is not on the page as us.

We become so obsessed with winning the dating ‘game’ that we lose sight of the bigger picture altogether.  We have convinced ourselves that we date and love in order to advance our self-interest and gain the most advantage without exposing ourselves or being unduly vulnerable or hurt.  If we think about it, this strategy almost sounds like the way we would undergo negotiations for business or even a strategy which might apply to warfare, and it is up for debate whether this is the best way to go about falling in love.

We cannot truly love when we are more obsessed with winning and preserving our own image.  Love entails a certain vulnerability and it is risky up to the point that it may actually be so painful that we may wonder whether we would survive a heartbreak.

We may see someone and wish to gauge whether they love us more and we may employ tactics which would assure us that they love us more or that we would not be hurt, we may also wish to ascertain their emotions for us before we surrender our own.  It is but prudent, yet at the same time, it robs the spontaneity and the raw authenticity which true fiery and passionate love is characterised by.

Love at its purest form is unguarded and undefended.  How often can we say that we have loved like this? Perhaps, we may only recall our adolescent days when we did not know any better–this was the only time wherein we loved with abandon–the first and perhaps even the last time we allowed ourselves to be carried away by our emotions, only to be destroyed by it.

After the first debilitating heartbreak, we start to employ more armour and adapt more defence mechanisms so that we may not experience the destruction and the pain we have gone through the first time around.  It definitely does have its uses, it protects us from completely falling apart and allows us to function without being destroyed.

However, it also takes away the raw beauty of love–the authenticity which is inherently unprotected.  When did we suddenly regard dating and love as a game or a battle where we must win at all costs and make sure that the ‘opponent’ surrenders or submits before we do?  It is true that the person who loves the most is at the mercy of the person who loves less but at the same time, the person who loves the most experiences love in a more genuine manner.

By all means, in business or in our careers, we must strive to ‘win’ and ‘prevail’ but love is not a competition wherein devious strategies would benefit the players.  Love is not even a terrain wherein winning would necessarily benefit anyone.  Sometimes when we are so calculated in the realm of love and even if we feel that we have secured victory by guarded and cautious moves, we have actually lost.

In our unhealthy obsession with winning in the realm of romance, we might actually cheat ourselves out of a wonderful soul-searing and life-changing experience called true love, which entails that we put down all our defences and is counter-intuitive to our notion of self-preservation.

(c) Niconica 2013

 

It is all too temping to think that we may carry on with being cavalier with the feelings of others with impunity because there will come a certain time when it may catch up with us and it will be too late. Without appreciating the perspective of the other side, there are some people who see fit to use people for their own pleasure and gratification without a full appreciation of the other as a human being and it will be to their eventual detriment, in terms of karma as well as their own moral degradation.

Every time we act in a dishonourable manner, we chip away at our moral fibre and before we know it.  There will be none left to speak of and it would almost be a far cry to consider ourselves as human beings worthy of respect. It may be all too enjoyable to use people like they are objects and discard them once something newer catches our eye but it would simply be a waste of a perfectly good karmic account since there is no action that is immune to the laws of cause and effect.

When we hurt another due to our self-interest and for our own benefit, we must not be surprised when what goes around eventually does come around.  By that time, it may be too late to rectify the wrongs which have been committed.  It behooves us to consider that every time we do a hurtful act, we are harming ourselves as well as the other.  When it comes down to it, is the eventual damage and fallout even worth it?

(c) Niconica 2013

With more avenues of expression and distraction provided by various social media and communication technology, it is all too easy to get caught up with the superficial plurality of messages and interactions. Communicating has become so mundane that it is taken for granted and the messages may become means of protecting and hiding our truths instead of a means to communicate our emotional needs and desires.

We get a point where we might be so polished with communicating and versed with niceties that we have lost the true ability to get in touch with our inner core and exercise the ability to relay what we really think. It might be because we don’t take the time to introspect or perhaps it may be because we are concerned that communicating our authentic sentiments makes us feel vulnerable.

We might have become so savvy with miming socially acceptable speech and behavior that we end up believing that doing this is all that is needed and required to survive and thrive that we neglect our inner voice and our emotional requirements in order to avoid conflict.

It is all well and good until we decide that we have had enough of hiding in the safety zone and wish to get to know another person better and this requires a measure of courage for in order to know someone better and to be able to develop a genuine connection, we have to risk revealing our true self and risk being vulnerable, hurt, and rejected and proceeding on this path becomes an act of courage.

Beyond social accepted norms of behavior, we each have our own issues, hang-ups, and imperfections and in order to forge a good bond with another and minimize misunderstanding and conflict, we must be versed with understanding ourselves and be able to articulate our thoughts, feelings, and truth in the most effective way possible which would enrich the purpose of the interaction.

And it starts with an act of courage to reveal ourselves and communicate our truth to another, without flinching, hiding, turning away, running, minimizing, omitting, or embellishing.

(c) Niconica 2013

The early stages of a possible romance is probably one of the more fraught stages–uncertainty, anxiety, and yes–those dreaded butterflies in our stomach.  We are caught between a panic attack and feeling the fleeting thrills of the moment where hope allows us to glimpse possible reciprocation, and in the next minute we find ourselves doused in the cold water of uncertainty–wonder whether we have misread the signs of interest or whether we have experienced moments of clarity behind the initial dance of dating.

When we are in our younger years, we enjoyed this phase immensely and define it as the most exciting chapter because it is a prelude to a new experience or possibility.  When we become older, whether we wish to or not, we have the tendency of becoming more risk averse, and set in our ways and any indication of uncertainty does not sit well with us–and hence the most ‘exciting’ stage becomes the most confusing stage which we try to navigate with our outdated emotional equipment and hope to make it out in one piece.

We become torn between wanting a definitive conclusion and wanting enough time and space to be able to assess our potential partner and figure out how we feel about it.  It is this push and pull that becomes excruciating and should we just be a bit more emotional than the average person, it becomes a difficult stage which we wish to accelerate by all means–which might turn out to be a big mistake because entering hastily into a commitment, or leaving a potential romantic connection arbitrarily in order to escape the awkward uncertainty or possible rejection does not give both parties a fair chance.

For those of us who have not been in a relationship in quite a while, it can be a petrifying process akin to being thrown into a lake without a life preserver, while desperately trying to remember how to swim.  The initial stages might remind us the comforting solitude of being single where our emotions are not dependent upon the decisions and actions of another person.  We may wish for this quality of unilateral autonomy and attempt to shake off the unsettling feeling of including another person into our frame of reference.

We would then wonder how the other person would fit into our already busy lifestyle and whether we would be able to accommodate them into our set ways.  We then might also wonder whether we are merely enjoying a new friendship and whether we might be seeing what we wish to see instead of what is really there.  We might wonder whether we are setting ourselves up for disappointment by hoping or expecting too much.  We are fully aware that the other party has the prerogative to change their minds about furthering the connection, and so do we.

When we get to a point in our lives where we have gotten used to exercising more control over our lives as adults, it is difficult to relinquish control and acknowledge that in relationships, bilateral agreements are necessary and the professional prowess in creating results which we have honed in our career might not be applicable and it leaves us feeling helpless and vulnerable.  It would be an uncomfortable emotion to grapple with since we find ourselves outside the safe confines of our emotional cocoon.

It may very well be that all this is in our heads, and that it would all be for naught.  It might be that all the effort and intentions might not result in any significant life changes.  We must be aware of this fact that we cannot control or predict the future and if we so allow the experience to continue, we must be pliant and open to where the interaction might go next–and yes, risk heartbreak, hurt, and vulnerability.  Whatever happens, we can take comfort in the fact that we have gotten to where we are despite previous experiences, and we will be able to move forward knowing that we have been brave enough to take a chance.

(c) Niconica 2013

We get to a certain point in our lives where we think that we have a pretty good grasp of how life works and we forget to allow for the margin or error, owing to the fact that we may make mistakes.  In dating, we often try to get a good grasp of the person in as short a span of time as possible in order to gauge whether they are worth spending precious time with but sometimes, we cannot ascertain these matters in the blink of an eye.

We may have to allow for the fact that sometimes our judgements are actually misjudgements and that we may have to correct our viewpoints according to the facts as they actually present themselves and not as we perceive them to be.  We may have to learn to give people the benefit of the doubt in order to prove our negative judgements false, and therefore be pleasantly surprised.

If we are not receiving the results we have envisioned, we may have to reexamine our process of selecting a mate and see whether we may be able to adjust our attitude to include a leeway for mistaken impressions.  We may also have to allow for the possibility that there may be an error with our perception and approach to the idea of dating and finding a mate which hinders us from being able to manifest the results which we wish to have.

Perhaps, all it takes to experience different result is just a tweak, a shift in our manner of thinking.

(c) Niconica 2013

The world continues to progress at breakneck speed and in the realms of dating, some of us are struggling to keep up.  We are torn between the traditional and the progressive.  With even more awareness of societal and global expectations of how we are supposed to be, we proceed into relationships and even matrimony in a confused state.

Are we supposed to comply with expected gender roles or are we supposed to change with the times?  Would our preference be enforceable and what are the other factors which come into play aside from our own choices?  Often, it can be summed up in one word: Expectations.  I have added the adjective ‘Killer’ in the title just to illustrate a point because unreasonable expectations can have severe emotional repercussions.

Being an Asian and living in Asia, most of us cannot escape the pressure put on us by wanting to conform to the norm as expected by our family, society, and culture.  When we seek a mate, we may have the difficulty of reconciling our own preferences, wants, and needs with the expectations imposed upon us by our upbringing and often, we take an emotional shortcut and just jump into conclusions which can be detrimental for our wellbeing.

The more common form of jumping to conclusions results into hasty marriages entered into in order to cease the uncertainty with the erroneous notion that getting married becomes the solution to the problem.  Another form of jumping to conclusion is having unrealistic expectations about what a partner should be like and therefore, idealistically awaiting the ‘perfect’ partner while passing over people who may very well be suitable.  This form of ‘Killer Expectation’ is often labeled as ‘being picky’ or ‘being selective.’

While it is not prudent to enter into fly-by-night marriages or ill-conceived unions at the blink of the eye, the extreme opposite tendency might also hold true.  We might be setting ourselves up for failure when we expect perfection.  This is an untenable position which results from not having a clear idea of our own failings and weaknesses.

We must learn to balance our expectations with reality in order to better be able to survive it.  We may end up cheating ourselves out of enriching experiences when we keep holding off to find the ‘perfect one’ because there is no such thing as a perfect human being, and even if such a creature existed, why would they be doing consorting with a mere imperfect and fallible human?

We must approach marriage and finding a mate with tempered expectations and an open mind which allows for a margin of error.  This is not to say that we must throw away all our preset standards, because some of them might be within the bounds of reason.  We must however examine whether which expectations hold up to the harsh light of reality and which are products of fiction and cannot apply to reality.  Perhaps in this manner, we might be able to find a life partner.

(c) Niconica 2013

I wish I could say that everything makes more sense as time passes by, but it simply isn’t the case.  The passage of time causes more factors to come into play and it makes everything more complicated.  We live in a world where chaos is the rule of thumb and we must make sense of all the information coming our way a mile a minute, and are faced with the challenge of making decisions at every turning point, hoping that everything might pan out for the best.  There might not be one singular way of handling the intricacies of life but I believe that, without exception, goodness, kindness, compassion and ethics must exist in the core of each choice, in order to make the world more bearable, not only for ourselves but for other people around us.

The many considerations we must endure is not an excuse for selfish behaviour.  We must not sell our souls for the price of one single choice which may cost everything that is dear to us.  As much as there is a temptation to take advantage of others or ensure our own gains, we must not do so at the price of other people’s wellbeing and peace of mind.  This is the only way we can still claim to be not only human, but humane.  We have become desensitized with our exposure to different media and the lines between illusion and reality may be blurred–we might fool ourselves that there are no “real” consequences involved with whatever plot we have hatched, but it would not be an accurate belief.

With increasing complexity comes increasing interconnectedness.  We are all part of the same energy field and we must be responsible for what we put into the world–thoughts are things, as the saying goes.  Our ill intent or immediate benefit at the expense of others will have a ripple effect which leads right back to us.  As much as we would like to think otherwise, there will be no escaping the repercussions of our behavior and it will only be a matter of time before everything we have put into the universe echoes back into our lives.

Everything may appear to be more convoluted, but the law of karma, of cause and effect, still applies.  Which way do you choose?

(c) Niconica 2013

 

For some strange reason, the concept of parallel universes has been appealing to me. I came upon the kindle book Travelling to Parallel Universes by Trish LeSage and it was intriguing however it wasn’t as long as I would have wished.

It contained anecdotes of Trish LeSage’s personal experiences as well as other people’s encounters of travelling to parallel universes as indicated by the title. It then lead me to another more interesting book written by physicist Cynthia Sue Larson and I’m still in the first few chapter but I feel that it delves into the topic more comprehensively than the previous book.

It might be a premature assessment since I have not yet completed the whole book and I have yet to find out how thorough the discussion is regarding reality shifts caused by moving into parallel universes. It sounds quite plausible and congruent with the concepts found in Buddhism regarding co-creation of a fluid reality based on actions which result in karma which manifests eventually which has a lot of concepts similar to quantum physics.

I have experienced a very strange occurrence a few months ago which baffles me to no end. Upon reading Reality Shifts it seems like it could be possible that reality did shift somehow to cause another person to insist that I had said something which I clearly remember I had not said. The other back-up possibilities which I’ve entertained have to do with ghosts, evil spirits, or plain old delusions and hallucinations.

Somehow, the idea of parallel universes and unknowingly shifting into one seems more appealing. I am woefully aware that preferring a certain reality does not translate to it being so but I’m pleased to have encountered these concepts and will continue reading up on them. Who know right?

(c) Niconica 2013

A couple of years ago, I began reading Kindle books thinking that it would be a reading back up plan only when the books were not available in physical form and thinking that I would always prefer printed books over books in electronic format.

I believe that having a physical book in one’s hands and having the joy of flipping and smelling (yes) the pages is still one of the more enjoyable experiences in life. However, it seems that my kindle library has increased in size through the years and I’m starting to get the hang of reading books from the comfort of my iPhone screen.

The advantage of a kindle book is that it may be read unobtrusively even when the lights are off or in the dark. It is also convenient to read it while lying on one’s back without worrying about the light source or compromising our eyesight.

The convenience of purchasing with one click from amazon.com after consulting reviews is just too tempting to resist at times. For an avid reader like myself, the plethora of books available at one’s fingertips just a tap away presents giddy possibilities of more knowledge to read and enjoy.

Running out of physical bookshelves or spaces to store my hard copy books makes reading and purchasing soft copies appealing as well. I’m starting to enjoy the benefits of kindle more and more and I would say that even if the feeling of leafing through actual printed pages is unparalleled, and kindle books cannot match up to that, it makes up for it in other aspects such as accessibility, convenience, and ease.

(c) Niconica 2013