Archives for posts with tag: God

Sometimes when we have had this conversation a million times and it’s to imagine how more words can improve upon it There comes a time when there is nothing more to say and more words will just aggravate the situation.  It’s ironic because silence then becomes a pregnant pause where there are too many things to say that nothing comes out of our mouths anymore.

There is a threshold to all the arguments, discussions, and debates when all words dry up and nothing suffices but no words come out of our mouths, not because there is nothing to really say but because all the words are jumbled up in our gut causing a very uncomfortable feeling reminiscent of indigestion and/or hyperacidity and in the midst of all that, the words are unable to find their way out of our mouths.

So sometimes, when all words fail, silence will or should suffice in the meantime, until the next time the right words or circumstances or timing finds us again.

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s


What do we do with the broken pieces of our relationships? Is there any chance of assembling them back together into something coherent or workable? I’ve recently had the excruciating experience of trying to work through issues with someone and it ended up pretty much the way it started–proverbially still shattered and in a thousand pieces, if not even worse.

I have a few guesses as to why the issues were not resolved–and it is not because they couldn’t be resolved, but it was because our own personal issues were in the way and we were not on the same page. On the surface, we both agreed that perhaps it was time to have “the talk” and try to work through or discuss what had been troubling us, but when it came down to it, one of us didn’t mean it and/or wasn’t ready to be honest about the issues or be on the same page.

When this happens, instead of kneeling down on the ground and helping each other pick up the pieces, we end up cutting ourselves when we are not careful or using one of the loose shards as either a destructive weapon or as an object for self-defense.  There were too many factors which contributed to the failure of the crucial and very difficult conversation–among which are pride, ego, dishonesty, a lack of trust and openness.

Whatever went wrong, the broken pieces still lie there without being swept up or tidied… and it is very painful to not be able to reach an agreement with someone about how to fix a relationship when someone is not ready to be upfront about crucial issues or even the premise of the discussion.  If the basis of the discussion is denied, then anything that ensues after that becomes moot.

So, here I am with the broken pieces and unsure of how to proceed. It can be said that we should recognize a lost cause when we see one, but on the other hand, it can also be said that perhaps with a little bit more discussion and determination, an agreement can be reached… Who knows, but perhaps when there is an impasse, it’s best to pause and regroup and see it how it goes before reentering the “discussion” as it were; lest it feel more like a battlefield.

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s

To hear someone one intensely fancies and whom one has invested quite a lot of time in push us away and reject us… The emotional devastation would be akin to a forest fire.  Burnt and destroyed to the ground.  Especially if the “letting us down easy” part was not particularly easy and more on the realm of harsh, insensitive, and about as subtle as tossing a lighted match onto a forest covered with gasoline.  How does one even attempt to recover from the pain?

It says that time provides a soothing balm to one’s soul, and it cures all.  It is true, so what do we do in the meantime?  How do we lick our wounds in a manner that it won’t be painful for us?  I am not sure if there is a pain-free way of getting through the pangs of unrequited love which has been covered with a coating of insult. As much as perhaps something new and fresh might grow from the desolate and empty wasteland–it would be quite some time in the future before such new growth is possible.

Meanwhile, it’s perhaps more of staring at the wall and figuring out and understanding what went on and why it had to happen–why one has once again found oneself in a situation where one finds oneself rejected and feeling like the victim of another of life’s cruel jokes.  They say that we have to be thankful when people reject us since they are eliminating themselves from our lives and from causing us further pain.  This fact or fiction cannot be appreciated this soon after the devastation, or maybe at all.  And it’s fine.

Sooner or later, we will learn to accept that we cannot always have our way… And that sometimes, as much as they hurt, things are just how they are… Perhaps… And maybe we can start being more prudent about our choices–some people are not worth our precious time and feelings.

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s

Photo by Jurek Durczack

When we were younger, we tend to imagine that becoming romantically interested with someone would resemble what we see in the movies… but then again, that might not be a safe assumption nor a logical basis for believing in a certain behavior since movies merely last for a couple of hours and well… life is fortunately or unfortunately way longer than that.

After years of experience–and believe me, only the bad ones count, since the good ones don’t teach us anything that we would actually remember–we realize that acting based upon fleeting feelings does not have any bearing at all.  Facing the ebb and flow of emotions does have its difficulties and the exercise of self-control becomes relevant.

More often than not, acting on these feelings often do not turn out to be grounded since more often than not… feelings can be deceptive.  How often do we find ourselves snapping out from the grip of “infatuation” and shaking our heads and wondering what we ever saw in “that person” in the first place?

In other words, it does happen that when we may think we really like someone but when it comes to the point of reckoning, we realize that we actually… don’t.  It’s funny but it can be both blessing and a curse that cupid’s so-called arrows seem to be those rubber suction tipped arrows which seems to slip/pop off more often than not.

Don’t get me wrong, it has happened that some of them have been the pointy tipped ones which actually have taken and ripped through the flesh and drew blood… It is with this perspective that the ineffective suction type arrows would seem to be a blessing, however, not without its accompanying frustration.  However, as I get a year older, it makes me wonder whether one actually outgrows cupid’s arrows or whether one does, with time, develop a better immune system against it.

To be sure, there have been a few meaningful encounters with compelling people… however, none that really went beyond the superficial level of conversation.  It might be because logic is highly valued and thankfully, not lost during these encounters… so much so that I retain the good sense of not jeopardizing friendships with messy and often fleeting emotions… yet on the other hand, one wonders what it would be like if logic did not dictate the boundaries.

It would take more than mere attraction to compel me to transform any relationship or interaction into a romantic one due to the more-often-than-not ephemeral nature of romantic attachments.  Meanwhile, it is interesting and both delightful and frustrating to enjoy the ebb and flow of emotions… of attachment and distance.

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s

It’s not as simple anymore to answer the question: Do you believe in fate or free will?






It might be because when I was younger I believed very strongly in free will, but as experiences and setbacks have piled up through the years, I started leaning slightly more towards fate.

Fate or "Ming" in Chinese


It might perhaps be a coping mechanism of sorts–to justify the bad thiings that have happened by attributing it to fate as opposed to accepting the other possibility which is that we have made the wrong decisions and ended up stuck with the consequences.

The Roll of the Dice

It might also be that we have learned the hard way that free will can only go so far… We may want something or someone with all our being but it doesn’t mean that we will be able to achieve or get them.

It might also mean that we are much weaker, passive or exhausted, and we rage and raise our fists against life even less and are content to be swept along by the tides of destiny (or fate, whatever we choose to call it).

Expect the Unexpected

So, I guess the answer is both–depending on which life stage I was in. And who knows which one it’ll be in the coming years.

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s

A lot of time and effort has been expended wondering about the nature of love and the reasons for love – and there are as many explanations are there are blades of grass in a field.  They are myriad and inconclusive.

Each definition carries a grain of truth – but not the whole truth and it depends on the people involved and the nature of their experiences.

All this would go to show that there is no good reason for falling in love – people just do.  People fall in love for all sorts of reasons which they are unable to comprehend or make sense of.

Falling in love is irrational and should be recognized as such since at times – there are a million good reasons for falling in love and yet we don’t; while during other times, there are no good reasons present for falling in love with someone and yet we find ourselves swimming in love’s embrace without knowing quite how or why.

Love is illogical and it just happens.  When it finds us, we have no choice but to either surrender to it – or resist with all our might… only to succumb to it in the end.

Happy Heart’s Day!

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to the images