Archives for posts with tag: Committed relationship

Perhaps there is some virtue in dragging out a situation for longer than is needed, but I can’t seem to see it.  I think that there are some things which have gone out of fashion together with the horse and carriage, and the manual churning of butter.  While advertising seems to extol the values of good old fashioned processes, I think that extending a courtship past a certain point just feels pointless and reeks of disrespect for the time and feelings of the other person.

Time is money and in the realm of budding relationship it also equates to emotional investment which is the currency of emotional connections.  The more time spent on getting to know the person may just equate to more emotional pain when the bandage is suddenly ripped out and the final results kick in.  I think that past a certain point, mulling over the viability of a relationship is just plain indecisiveness in disguise.

When we get to a certain age, we have an idea of what we prefer and it’s just insulting to claim to have no idea what one feels.  If it happens to be true then we might be emotionally retarded and that is just another matter entirely.  Nevertheless, it’s never too soon to to cut someone loose when we don’t have the intention of carrying through a committed relationship with them.  It’s cruel to drag a situation on with no intention of taking it to a more serious level.

We live in a fast-paced world whether we like it or not and when we take too much time to decide on whether someone is right for us, we might risk disrespecting their precious time and inadvertently lead them on–and this is just plain wrong and many other things along those lines.  It is true that only fools rush in but at the same time, taking too long is just similarly foolish, but only in a different manner.

It’s all well and good to go at snail’s pace during the time when there was still no electricity or even no internet, but in this day and age where everyone needs to earn a living and is not merely in a manor waiting for their servants to cater to their every move, we must be mindful of the opportunity costs our dillydallying may be causing the other person–or even ourselves if the other person decides to go for other options due to the prolonged mind games and lack of emotional clarity and direction.

(c) Niconica 2013

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When we get to a certain point in our lives and we find ourselves still single, it may be that it is because we have not met the person who is meant for us but at the same time we might wish to question ourselves as to whether we have contributed to the situation as well by having dating criteria which hinder the opportunity to meet the person who might be suitable for us.  It’s a bit of a double edge sword when we have a preference for a person with certain attributes because while it’s good to have standards, it might be these same standards which might keep us from allowing in certain people whom we might not have imagined dating but yet be suitable for us in the long run.

We must be reminded that we are not omniscient and sometimes, we might lack foresight or a realistic assessment of ourselves.  Our outlook and expectations might also have been skewed by our own biases, upbringing, or popular media.  These would contribute to our possible limiting ourselves of the possibilities available which we have not considered, encountered, or imagined. We must also review whether our criteria for the ideal mate or the ideal range of mates are really our own, or whether we have adopted the acceptable criteria of our society, culture, religion, parents, family, or friends. In order to be able to secure our future happiness, we must be honest with ourselves as to which qualities we are really looking for and not confuse the expectations of others into the equation because this might compromise our chance at a truly suitable mate.

We will be the ones being in a relationship with the person and if we do so choose to enter a committed relationship, we will be the ones enjoying or suffering within the confines of our choices therefore, we must consider which qualities and criteria are truly ours in order to be able to proceed with dating and selecting the right partner–and giving ourselves a fair chance at happiness.

(c) Niconica 2013

 

In a relationship, sometimes it’s not so much the actual presence or absence of the person or the frequency of interaction as much as the feeling of safety where it is understood that one won’t be rejected or abandoned.

The fear of rejection or abandonment can be so primal and embedded that to admit it would make one unbearably vulnerable that despite its relevance to the dialogue, it would be the last thing ever to be discusses or revealed.

This factor then makes the situation more complex in that the other person involved is not aware of the crucial element to be considered and would in effect be feeling rather confused about the dynamic of the situation.

When a person in the relationship is acting out, before anything else, it needs to be established that the relationship is a safe place where issues can be brought up and discussed and the concerns would be treated seriously without the other party leaving or rejecting the other.

Usually a safe zone is established by making a commitment to the other and while ultimately there are no guarantees, the context of the commitment creates a safety net for both people to interact… More so than if there was no agreed upon commitment or relationship.

So in undefined or “it’s complicated” pseudo-relationships, things tend to get messy precisely because of the lack of the safety net which a mutually committed relationship provides.

This then entails that one or both partners must constantly watch out for themselves because any moment could be the last moment in the relationship.

And as time passes and the situation gets more serious and/or convoluted, the hidden vulnerabilities surface and cause more tension without being able to be addressed properly without entwining serious risks in the pseudo-relationship.

Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place.

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s

Basically what we are talking about now are tattered and leftover hearts from previous emotional casualties. Everyone around me seems to be either in relationships or are still not over previous relationships.

It doesn’t matter whether the relationship ended a few months ago or a few years ago, but there are a lot of seemingly available people who are really not available due to their unresolved issues.

So the question is, do we really want other people’s emotional leftovers and/or sloppy seconds?  It’s not a matter of unrealistic expectations of finding someone brand new and undamaged–because what are the chances of that.

It’s more on being able to find someone who has already worked through their issues already, who is viable for an actual commitment and relationship, and/or who is not carrying any form of emotional baggage all over the place.

It’s not so easy to find someone who is in such a position in their lives, but it is possible.  It’s just that it is infinitely better to be dealing with someone who is primed for commitment and a relationship rather than having to  sort through the debris of previous wreckage wrought by someone else.

It might feel that sewing up a tattered teddy (or person, in this case) would seem like an interesting hobby or pastime but beyond the good intentions, find an actual teddy or another hobby, for trying to save or patch up a person is often more trouble than it is worth.  It would furthermore turn out to be a constant cycle of saving and repairing the other person–and often at the expense of our own well-being.

Think twice about indulging in rebound relationships or jumping into a situation with someone who is clearly not ready for whatever reason, because moving forward without thinking too much about the factors and the consequence might eventually cause you your emotional sanity.

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s

I have to admit that I read The Daily Post @ WordPress.com almost daily to see what new Plinky prompts or other interesting topics which they have posted. I like this topic and I couldn’t come up with a better title other than the actual prompt itself:

What part of life confuses you the most?

It would be all too easy, and a bit lazy and misleading, just to say that “Everything” in life confuses me. . . because not everything in life confuses me anymore.

I’d like to think that I’ve got a good grasp of at least a few things or even a better idea of a few other things. However, what confuses me the most is something so basic and yet so paradoxical, and that is: L-O-V-E. . .romantic love to be specific .

Love and relationships confuse me the most because they are not logical. . . and as much as there are some occasions when human beings have proven themselves to be logical, they soon lose all their credibility for being logical as soon as they step into the realm of romantic relationships because nothing is more illogical than two beings involved in a so-called romantic relationship.

Once we step into the embraces of romance, we find that we tend to mysteriously misplace our good sense and rationality. . . and the situation we find ourselves in is an unpredictable free for all where the chips fall as they may–in other words, we seem to lose control over many of our faculties and have no idea what will happen next.

All we end up having is this intense hope that everything would turn out well but every day unfolds in uncertainty and we just have to live with it–for as we know now, words are just words and promises can hardly be used as a bond to hold someone with us against their will.

So once we step in the melee of love we are all hope and fear glued together by faith that it will all work out and that it won’t be some sort of cruel joke that the universe plays upon us.

Once we step into the uncertainty, we find that the only way we can go on without disengaging from it is through trust . . . that all will unfold as it should. And it is confusing and frightening to put our faith and trust into something so intangible and uncertain.

If only it were that easily to logically extricate ourselves from such a situation, then we’d be safe, but we’ll be missing out on one of the best gifts of life. We can only hope that the risk is worth the reward.

However, if only love came with a fail-safe manual and a guarantee, life would be easier, wouldn’t it? Here’s to wishing . . .

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s