Archives for category: Philosophy & Psychology

Yes I’ve emerged from the black hole once again.  Life has gotten in the way somehow–and we all know that when it rains, it pours and one misfortune can easily call up a bunch of other misfortunes in a short period of time, sweeping us away in a torrent of self-pity, regret, anger, and depression as we constantly ask ourself “Why did it have to happen to me?”  There is no satisfactory answer because the presence of the misfortune in and of itself will eclipse any philosophical or religious feel good point of view shared with us.

While it seems that the path of least resistance is to just allow the downhill slide of emotions, sometimes we are fortunate enough to be in the midst of people who will not allow us to go down that road.  They will try to pull us out of our misery with advice and attention and discussion but we may resent them for being cheerful or optimistic and think that they would not know how it feels unless they are in our situation.  It is most likely true that other people do not know or will not know how we really feel unless they themselves have gone through what we have gone through–but what are the chances that they go through the exact same thing?

Nonetheless, it doesn’t make their well wishes and good intentions any less viable.  After all, in the midst of misfortune, being able to keep our wellbeing and sanity would already seem like a huge blessing and sometimes, it is.  It’s a great starting point for being able to pick up the pieces and get past the rubbish and the rubble of whatever has occurred.  We must take our lessons for people who are doing well in life mentally, psychologically, emotionally, and physically.

It might seem to us that it’s sheer accident that some people are doing well and some people aren’t.  It might seem that it’s all the luck of the draw. However, once we have gotten sick and tired of our whining and wallowing in our own misery, and we are lucky to not have drowned in it, we might realise one thing about these people–Winners do not wallow.  They survive not by sheer chance or laziness.  If we examine their lives, they have a lot of setbacks as well–on different scales and of different qualities as our own, but one thing you won’t hear them do is bring it up over and over again.  They do not drag around the corpse of defeat and misfortune with them and that makes all the difference.

If wallowing were a sport, I might be a professional at it  However, it’s a profession that doesn’t have a good return of investment so I have to rethink this preoccupation.  Less wallowing might not ward off life’s challenges but it doesn’t help as well, it also makes our disposition sour and disagreeable and causes life to be more unpleasant. While there are a lot of things which are not going quite right, and while there are a lot of things which still want for improvement, we can make it easier for ourselves to look at people who have made it and be inspired by their example.

Undoubtedly, people who have it together have other qualities and habits which make them thrive in life, but even if we learn just one thing from them for starters is that they do not make it a habit to wallow in misery and replay the past in their heads, they are fully in the present moment with their eyes set on the future, no matter how hard or difficult the past has been, they do not let it factor into their present endeavours.  This is something worth striving for–a step in the right direction.

(c) Niconica 2015

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Imagine if children could go to school and learn more about about common sense and humanity instead of Maths and Sciences… We spent so many years learning how to do Algebra and Trigonometry, and to what end? We do not come out of it learning how to get along with people, how to deal with abusive people, how to have healthy boundaries, and how to prevent opportunists from taking advantage of us. Worse even, some of us turn out to be one of these morally decrepit characters. This is evidence enough that schooling is useless.

What do all these knowledge and earning serve except to produce more mental rubbish for people to digest? We have had the precious blessing of having a human life and every second that ticks by is priceless and the more that we use the time to help and benefit others or at least prevent negative people from breeding their abuse by not allowing them to have another opportunity through abusing us, we will have spent the time more wisely than when we spend all the time in school for naught.

When we allow people to get their way, we are only encouraging them. Sometimes the cycle of abuse must stop with us. Perhaps it may be too much to think that we can be the judge and jury of the person, but to simply not allow them to siphon or energy we will have at least not allowed them to perpetrate their violence any further on one occasion.

Imagine if we are taught about emotional intelligence and we would be decent human beings who become good parents to the benefit of our children. Formal schooling is secondary, perhaps if there is an interest or thirst for knowledge for its own sake, then it would be helpful. However, without the family as the main source of humanity and learning about humanity, all the knowledge in the world will only serve to harm others.

If the decade of schooling taught about kindness and respecting each other’s boundaries and how to deal with conflict instead of rote memorisation and nonsense , perhaps the world might be a better place. What do you think?

(c) Niconica 2014

When we discuss certain interactions with people, we categorise the interaction as having “Good Vibes” or “Bad Vibes” and there are some people who are too logical that they do not account for the gut feel or the vibes we get from people and they would wish for some logical evidence that the person is indeed good or bad.

However, when the evidence that the person is bad is already there, it is often already too late to avoid them or damage has already been done. It has to be said though that negative people would have good vibes with people who are likewise as negative as they are so this would have to be considered.

People with like vibrations often attract each other and become fast friends. Criminals and sociopaths often hang out with each other and enjoy each others company and let this be your guide that “Birds of the same feather are often the same birds.” Try to let go of your saviour complex and delusion that you would be able to save or reform such a person.

People who eventually harm us are able to do so because they present themselves in a manner which allows us to let down our guard. So the comment, “But he/she seems like a nice person.” is not valid in such cases. Predators are great with conserving their energy for the kill so if they are able to disarm the prey who willingly submits to them, all the better.

These people who eventually harm us irreparably often present themselves in such a benign manner that when they start turning up the toxicity, we often wonder whether we are imagining it. If they presented themselves in a manner which clearly outlines them as negative people capable of harming us, we would not even have let them in close enough to do any damage.

Even if the person presents themselves in such a charming, likeable, and harmless manner, we must consider our gut feel whether we get “Good Vibes” or “Bad Vibes” from them. If we feel uncomfortable for whatever reason, we must not proceed with abandon because we might end up regretting it. We often allow our five senses to deceive our better judgement.

It’s time to be more vigilant and make better emotional choices since the consequences of faulty emotional choices can be deadly.

(c) Niconica 2014

When people start to give an alibi to justify whatever they have done or are about to do which pertains to not keeping agreements or abuses boundaries, I don’t bother to listen to the verbal garbage. An alibi is a lie and it’s not worth listening to or discussing.

When people wish to do something, they find a way. When they do not wish to do it, they find an excuse. It’s just that simple. Sometimes we get lost in the complexities but if we go down the the bare bones, it either is or isn’t.

Trust is about keeping agreements and every time the agreement is not kept for whatever reason, it erodes the trust whether or not there was a good reason for it. Basic respect for fellow human beings is the minimum for human interaction.

Review all your relationships and friendships and be stringent with the quality of interaction. When people do not respect us, they act in ways which make it evident. Even if the words are laced with sweetness, we will be able to feel that something is not quite right.

And when this is so, it is time to give serious thought about whether we wish to entertain and accept such toxicity in our lives and interactions. Do we wish to prolong something which is emotionally and psychologically unhealthy?

If we choose to prolong it because we wish to be passive and let things play out, we are taking an active hand in our own destruction and we should not be surprised it we start manifesting strange maladies and diseases. It’s like drinking poison and wondering why we are getting sick.

Let’s keep our mental, emotional, and psychological diet healthy and clean so that we would be able to better ourselves as human beings instead of always just surviving or learning how to firefight the latest emotional rubbish handed to us to disturb our equilibrium.

(c) Niconica 2014

There are many causes for disease but it seems too much of a coincidence that quite a few people I’ve encountered who have developed breast cancer have had spouses who were unfaithful to them. They have lost their breasts, and sometimes even their lives to these partners who claim to love them and are wondering why this disease has mysteriously developed and befallen them.

One wonders why the love of one person doesn’t seem to be enough for people who are compulsive cheaters. It’s ironic that when these cheaters suffer marginal heartache when they are dropped by someone who has finally woken up to reality or who has destroyed themselves with terminal disease, they still don’t get a clue as to why it has happened to them.

It’s like they wonder why people shouldn’t be at their disposal and this callous and heartless treatment of people who love us is often masked by a charming and agreeable demeanor… After all, how would they get their future emotional Roadkill to stand in the middle of the road frozen while they emotionally mow them over and kill them.

Whether or not we are conscious of our actions of not, each actions sows a seed of the same quality for payback in the future. It is extreme hubris to think that we shall never suffer the consequences of our decisions even if we say that we meant well or that we didn’t mean to do it.

It would be miraculous if the people who are the perpetrators of emotional assault and battery develop awareness of their ways. So this post is for everyone else who have a working conscience and some sense of responsibility and humanity, do not allow yourself to be involved with someone who has utter disregard for your happiness and wellbeing even if they are magnetic, sexy, attractive or whatnot.

Remember, the predator needs to have a method to lure prey in willingly, it saves them the time and effort of chasing. When in doubt, actions speak louder than words. If they really respected you and cared about you, they wouldn’t put you through all the misery.

They may claim to care about you… Perhaps they do… Like they care about their new possessions or acquisitions. However, if they have the gall to hurt you, it means that they ultimately care about themselves the most and will put others second, or last, even you.

Save yourselves. It’s not worth it. Do not be anyone’s prey.

(C) Niconica2014

According to the perspective of each person, they do not deserve whatever misfortunes happen to them. It might be true in some cases but it is not for the person themselves to determine since when we judge ourselves, it can be wildly biased.

After all, even when no one wants to admit it, people tend to regard themselves highly and think that their presuppositions or assumptions are faultless. On a few occasions I’ve happened upon persons who are wondering why their relationships have blown up in their faces, conveniently forgetting that they are cheaters and have hurt more than one person very much.

They wonder why they have lost the supposed love of their lives or the current person whom they are focusing their attention on and claim to be grieving when what caused at least some part of the pain and bewilderment is just why they were the ones who were dropped first when they were the ones who were supposed to do the dropping.

They are bewildered as to why life can be so cruel when the fact of the matter is that they have been cruel to many others who have taken them seriously and have become their victims without even a second glance or a second thought from them. Could they be considered sociopaths? Many of them could be.

The thing about using people and discarding them like yesterday’s newspaper is that we don’t age backwards… We get older and eventually when we are tired of being irresponsible with others, what we have done catches up with us.

The past is not only in the past as these bewildered people wish to believe when they wonder why so much unhappiness eventually befalls them… They are so bewildered when they realize that everything that they have done to hurt others no matter what motivations they had comes full circle to bite them in the ass.

When that time comes, there is nowhere to run… After all, how do you escape the monster that is yourself? Think very carefully every time you lie, cheat, and steal because even when you have forgotten or run out of health and willpower to play with others, you will still have to pay the price and you might not have the strength to handle it.

(c) Niconica 2014

Timing is a personal issue, most especially when it comes to life choices such as getting married… There are people who know immediately that they are with the right person already and there are people who take their sweet time and there is no right or wrong as long as the person is of age and lucid with decision making and not under the grip of mental obscurations.

Nothing in life comes with a failsafe and nothing can be guaranteed for sure but we cannot use these facts as a crutch to keep us helpless and immobile. Life must be lived and the best way we can would be to choose to make the best decision possible given the information we currently have.

It shouldn’t matter how long the duration was from getting to know someone and getting married as long as we aren’t teenagers who most likely don’t know better or too young to even understand what commitment means…

If we are mature adults… Most likely in our thirties onwards and have a grip on our own lives, our capabilities, our expectations, our limitations and personal preferences, we should be left to our own discretion about our life choices including whom we wish to spend our whole life with.

Time is an arbitrary marker which may or may not have any bearing to choosing whom we are to marry and determining whether we have chosen correctly. It’s true time has some bearing on relationships more than others but it is to be determined by the persons involved based on their life stage and personal preferences and not by an onlooker who feels that their comments have any validity.

Getting married is already a big decision as it is and many things should be considered I’m including the life stage and chronological age of the couples. There are many factors and variables involved–known and unknown.

Side comments are annoying at best and irrelevant… Whether or not the marriage occurred too soon or too late based on other people’s preferences is ridiculously unimportant and only serve to estrange the meddler/gossip with the target of their attention and gossip.

The nuances and factors for every relationship can only be realistically assessed by the people involved and while the people in the periphery are free to be bystanders, their opinions and ideas about why or why not should not weigh much compared to the people involved.

This is not to condone elopement dans hormone based infatuation and rash decisions but merely to share the fact that personal timing is not everybody’s business… Hence, before proffering moot suggestions which lack the insight and wisdom to appreciate situations based on the unique factors and criteria, it might be wise to harbor some respect for other people’s decisions or at least maintain neutrality and keep unsolicited advice to oneself.

(c) Niconica 2014

In a perfect world, people would have respect for the emotional and physical boundaries of others. However, we exist in a world which is still in the process of learning how to better itself and whose inhabitants think have the slight problem of differentiating their business from other people’s business.

It then behooves us to set and guard our boundaries wisely without becoming too cautious to the point of paranoia or becoming too vigilant to the point of aggression. We must learn to stand our ground and find a way to not adopt other people’s mental rubbish as our own.

Opinions sprout around us abundantly however it does not mean that we should take everyone’s advice and lose our own principles and convictions. However we must not go overboard with disregarding the input of others arbitrarily.

It falls upon us to keep the essential boundaries in place while being flexible and open minded enough to adjust and learn accordingly.

(C) Niconica 2014

One of the questions which besiege couples is “How did he propose?” This question is a loaded one which is not merely about asking for the description of the events, it contains a brick load of expectations which are toxic for all concerned–for the person asking as well as the people receiving the query.

How has it happened that lavish histrionic proposals are ranked high on society’s psyche and seems to engender social acceptance and a false sense that the proposal foretells the well being of the forthcoming marriage?

When the proposal is not television worthy, it received a disappointed response from the person who has asked as though he or she were reviewing and ranking the proposal. It would be nice if people asked questions only to find information without expectations.

Proposals which are out of this world and wildly romantic do not underwrite the quality of the relationship or love between the couple. It merely indicates the level of histrionic behavior willing to be undertaken for this given purpose.

Too much exposure to the media has caused us to lose sight of what is important in a relationship and in people. We must be able to respect that while for some people gossip worthy manners of proposing marriage seem to be suitable, there are people who take the road less travelled so to speak.

Somewhere along the way we have lost sight of the purpose if the proposal which is securing the agreement of the one we love to be our legal life partner. It’s not about drama nor theatrics. It’s about something more real–love. And hopefully a good dose of practicality and sense.

(c) Niconica 2014

No one can argue that it would be great to be wealthy.  Having money certainly makes many facets of life more convenient but there is a fine line between owning money and letting money own you.  We must always keep ourselves in check whenever we succeed because there is a higher risk of losing our path when we succeed than when we fail.

When we fail, we are all too aware of the stark realities and perhaps we might tend to lose hope but nothing is as dangerous as getting the wealth, power, or fame which many aspire for.  There is a saying which goes “Be careful what you wish for.  You might actually get it.” It’s certainly ironic but there is always a certain ring of truth with ironies and it can be said about money, fame, and power which are not intrinsically negative but has a higher tendency of causing us to deluded or lose touch with ourselves or where we began, and this is where we end up losing our way and before we know it, we have lost our souls.

Losing ours souls doesn’t come in one fell swoop, it’s a gradual process of adjusting our moral and ethical boundaries for “just a little bit more” until the boundaries blur and actually disappear and we transform into something which we have never imagined ourselves turning out to be when we were starting out.  We might actually become one of those people whom we despise when we were on the outside looking in… This is where the victims turn into the perpetrators, more often than not.

We must then ask ourselves–is all the worldly gain we wish for worth the price of our humanity?

 

(c) Niconica 2014