Archives for category: Love and Relationships

When we discuss certain interactions with people, we categorise the interaction as having “Good Vibes” or “Bad Vibes” and there are some people who are too logical that they do not account for the gut feel or the vibes we get from people and they would wish for some logical evidence that the person is indeed good or bad.

However, when the evidence that the person is bad is already there, it is often already too late to avoid them or damage has already been done. It has to be said though that negative people would have good vibes with people who are likewise as negative as they are so this would have to be considered.

People with like vibrations often attract each other and become fast friends. Criminals and sociopaths often hang out with each other and enjoy each others company and let this be your guide that “Birds of the same feather are often the same birds.” Try to let go of your saviour complex and delusion that you would be able to save or reform such a person.

People who eventually harm us are able to do so because they present themselves in a manner which allows us to let down our guard. So the comment, “But he/she seems like a nice person.” is not valid in such cases. Predators are great with conserving their energy for the kill so if they are able to disarm the prey who willingly submits to them, all the better.

These people who eventually harm us irreparably often present themselves in such a benign manner that when they start turning up the toxicity, we often wonder whether we are imagining it. If they presented themselves in a manner which clearly outlines them as negative people capable of harming us, we would not even have let them in close enough to do any damage.

Even if the person presents themselves in such a charming, likeable, and harmless manner, we must consider our gut feel whether we get “Good Vibes” or “Bad Vibes” from them. If we feel uncomfortable for whatever reason, we must not proceed with abandon because we might end up regretting it. We often allow our five senses to deceive our better judgement.

It’s time to be more vigilant and make better emotional choices since the consequences of faulty emotional choices can be deadly.

(c) Niconica 2014

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When people start to give an alibi to justify whatever they have done or are about to do which pertains to not keeping agreements or abuses boundaries, I don’t bother to listen to the verbal garbage. An alibi is a lie and it’s not worth listening to or discussing.

When people wish to do something, they find a way. When they do not wish to do it, they find an excuse. It’s just that simple. Sometimes we get lost in the complexities but if we go down the the bare bones, it either is or isn’t.

Trust is about keeping agreements and every time the agreement is not kept for whatever reason, it erodes the trust whether or not there was a good reason for it. Basic respect for fellow human beings is the minimum for human interaction.

Review all your relationships and friendships and be stringent with the quality of interaction. When people do not respect us, they act in ways which make it evident. Even if the words are laced with sweetness, we will be able to feel that something is not quite right.

And when this is so, it is time to give serious thought about whether we wish to entertain and accept such toxicity in our lives and interactions. Do we wish to prolong something which is emotionally and psychologically unhealthy?

If we choose to prolong it because we wish to be passive and let things play out, we are taking an active hand in our own destruction and we should not be surprised it we start manifesting strange maladies and diseases. It’s like drinking poison and wondering why we are getting sick.

Let’s keep our mental, emotional, and psychological diet healthy and clean so that we would be able to better ourselves as human beings instead of always just surviving or learning how to firefight the latest emotional rubbish handed to us to disturb our equilibrium.

(c) Niconica 2014

There are many causes for disease but it seems too much of a coincidence that quite a few people I’ve encountered who have developed breast cancer have had spouses who were unfaithful to them. They have lost their breasts, and sometimes even their lives to these partners who claim to love them and are wondering why this disease has mysteriously developed and befallen them.

One wonders why the love of one person doesn’t seem to be enough for people who are compulsive cheaters. It’s ironic that when these cheaters suffer marginal heartache when they are dropped by someone who has finally woken up to reality or who has destroyed themselves with terminal disease, they still don’t get a clue as to why it has happened to them.

It’s like they wonder why people shouldn’t be at their disposal and this callous and heartless treatment of people who love us is often masked by a charming and agreeable demeanor… After all, how would they get their future emotional Roadkill to stand in the middle of the road frozen while they emotionally mow them over and kill them.

Whether or not we are conscious of our actions of not, each actions sows a seed of the same quality for payback in the future. It is extreme hubris to think that we shall never suffer the consequences of our decisions even if we say that we meant well or that we didn’t mean to do it.

It would be miraculous if the people who are the perpetrators of emotional assault and battery develop awareness of their ways. So this post is for everyone else who have a working conscience and some sense of responsibility and humanity, do not allow yourself to be involved with someone who has utter disregard for your happiness and wellbeing even if they are magnetic, sexy, attractive or whatnot.

Remember, the predator needs to have a method to lure prey in willingly, it saves them the time and effort of chasing. When in doubt, actions speak louder than words. If they really respected you and cared about you, they wouldn’t put you through all the misery.

They may claim to care about you… Perhaps they do… Like they care about their new possessions or acquisitions. However, if they have the gall to hurt you, it means that they ultimately care about themselves the most and will put others second, or last, even you.

Save yourselves. It’s not worth it. Do not be anyone’s prey.

(C) Niconica2014

According to the perspective of each person, they do not deserve whatever misfortunes happen to them. It might be true in some cases but it is not for the person themselves to determine since when we judge ourselves, it can be wildly biased.

After all, even when no one wants to admit it, people tend to regard themselves highly and think that their presuppositions or assumptions are faultless. On a few occasions I’ve happened upon persons who are wondering why their relationships have blown up in their faces, conveniently forgetting that they are cheaters and have hurt more than one person very much.

They wonder why they have lost the supposed love of their lives or the current person whom they are focusing their attention on and claim to be grieving when what caused at least some part of the pain and bewilderment is just why they were the ones who were dropped first when they were the ones who were supposed to do the dropping.

They are bewildered as to why life can be so cruel when the fact of the matter is that they have been cruel to many others who have taken them seriously and have become their victims without even a second glance or a second thought from them. Could they be considered sociopaths? Many of them could be.

The thing about using people and discarding them like yesterday’s newspaper is that we don’t age backwards… We get older and eventually when we are tired of being irresponsible with others, what we have done catches up with us.

The past is not only in the past as these bewildered people wish to believe when they wonder why so much unhappiness eventually befalls them… They are so bewildered when they realize that everything that they have done to hurt others no matter what motivations they had comes full circle to bite them in the ass.

When that time comes, there is nowhere to run… After all, how do you escape the monster that is yourself? Think very carefully every time you lie, cheat, and steal because even when you have forgotten or run out of health and willpower to play with others, you will still have to pay the price and you might not have the strength to handle it.

(c) Niconica 2014

As humans we have a basic need to be validated and feel that we matter and that we are important to the people who matter to us. When we are cheated on by someone whom we love a lot, we are invalidated as a person and it destroys us and weakens us on many levels… When it happens often enough, the result is disease.

It is often that the spouse or partner who has been cheated on repeatedly internalises the pain develops a disease because the psychological poison has to have a way to manifest. Sometimes we focus on the actual terminal disease and the external cures which are supposed to help without changing the patterns in our lives which caused the circumstance in the first place.

A constant current of negative emotion poisons our energy systems and it eventually becomes toxic to our physical body. If the resentment or the anger or pain isn’t expressed or let out, it accumulates and physical disease manifests.

Invalidating is defined as weakening or destroying and this is what we do when we are not able to respect the bonds of commitment and we are not able to respect the partner enough to be faithful. Every single act of infidelity invalidates the other person and when it gets to the critical point, it literally and figuratively destroys the other.

Be mindful of your thoughts, actions, and words. They affect people on more than one level… if not all.

(c) Niconica 2014

Timing is a personal issue, most especially when it comes to life choices such as getting married… There are people who know immediately that they are with the right person already and there are people who take their sweet time and there is no right or wrong as long as the person is of age and lucid with decision making and not under the grip of mental obscurations.

Nothing in life comes with a failsafe and nothing can be guaranteed for sure but we cannot use these facts as a crutch to keep us helpless and immobile. Life must be lived and the best way we can would be to choose to make the best decision possible given the information we currently have.

It shouldn’t matter how long the duration was from getting to know someone and getting married as long as we aren’t teenagers who most likely don’t know better or too young to even understand what commitment means…

If we are mature adults… Most likely in our thirties onwards and have a grip on our own lives, our capabilities, our expectations, our limitations and personal preferences, we should be left to our own discretion about our life choices including whom we wish to spend our whole life with.

Time is an arbitrary marker which may or may not have any bearing to choosing whom we are to marry and determining whether we have chosen correctly. It’s true time has some bearing on relationships more than others but it is to be determined by the persons involved based on their life stage and personal preferences and not by an onlooker who feels that their comments have any validity.

Getting married is already a big decision as it is and many things should be considered I’m including the life stage and chronological age of the couples. There are many factors and variables involved–known and unknown.

Side comments are annoying at best and irrelevant… Whether or not the marriage occurred too soon or too late based on other people’s preferences is ridiculously unimportant and only serve to estrange the meddler/gossip with the target of their attention and gossip.

The nuances and factors for every relationship can only be realistically assessed by the people involved and while the people in the periphery are free to be bystanders, their opinions and ideas about why or why not should not weigh much compared to the people involved.

This is not to condone elopement dans hormone based infatuation and rash decisions but merely to share the fact that personal timing is not everybody’s business… Hence, before proffering moot suggestions which lack the insight and wisdom to appreciate situations based on the unique factors and criteria, it might be wise to harbor some respect for other people’s decisions or at least maintain neutrality and keep unsolicited advice to oneself.

(c) Niconica 2014

In a perfect world, people would have respect for the emotional and physical boundaries of others. However, we exist in a world which is still in the process of learning how to better itself and whose inhabitants think have the slight problem of differentiating their business from other people’s business.

It then behooves us to set and guard our boundaries wisely without becoming too cautious to the point of paranoia or becoming too vigilant to the point of aggression. We must learn to stand our ground and find a way to not adopt other people’s mental rubbish as our own.

Opinions sprout around us abundantly however it does not mean that we should take everyone’s advice and lose our own principles and convictions. However we must not go overboard with disregarding the input of others arbitrarily.

It falls upon us to keep the essential boundaries in place while being flexible and open minded enough to adjust and learn accordingly.

(C) Niconica 2014

One of the questions which besiege couples is “How did he propose?” This question is a loaded one which is not merely about asking for the description of the events, it contains a brick load of expectations which are toxic for all concerned–for the person asking as well as the people receiving the query.

How has it happened that lavish histrionic proposals are ranked high on society’s psyche and seems to engender social acceptance and a false sense that the proposal foretells the well being of the forthcoming marriage?

When the proposal is not television worthy, it received a disappointed response from the person who has asked as though he or she were reviewing and ranking the proposal. It would be nice if people asked questions only to find information without expectations.

Proposals which are out of this world and wildly romantic do not underwrite the quality of the relationship or love between the couple. It merely indicates the level of histrionic behavior willing to be undertaken for this given purpose.

Too much exposure to the media has caused us to lose sight of what is important in a relationship and in people. We must be able to respect that while for some people gossip worthy manners of proposing marriage seem to be suitable, there are people who take the road less travelled so to speak.

Somewhere along the way we have lost sight of the purpose if the proposal which is securing the agreement of the one we love to be our legal life partner. It’s not about drama nor theatrics. It’s about something more real–love. And hopefully a good dose of practicality and sense.

(c) Niconica 2014

There are times when the pain is so overwhelming that it fries our emotional system and we are unable to process new stimuli.  When people break our hearts unthinkingly then casually contact us after as through we are ‘on call’ and that nothing of significance has occurred, we might find ourselves at a loss as to how to respond–and we don’t.

In a manner of speaking, we are called to compartmentalise this event which does not compute and carry on with other aspects of our lives.  The contradicting actions of others may cause our system to be unable to comprehend what the intent is and we may feel confused as to what the other person intends with the connection.

It would be extremely insensitive of them to presume that becoming friends without so much as breaking a stride from the time that they have rejected us.  We might need some time to recover from the pain and assess whether we are comfortable with the notion of remaining friends with someone who has taken us for granted and abused our kindness.

It is not too much to ask of people to be clear about their romantic intentions in order to avoid leading people on inadvertently.  If they proceed in a manner which allows us to believe that they fancy us in the same manner, then without as much as blinking switch gears to a lukewarm or even cold treatment, we may understandably feel slighted.

We might want to clarify whether we are on the same page and if they brush us off with fluid evasiveness thinking that it would maintain their innocence in the whole interaction, it would betray their callousness and expose how little they think of us.  It should eventually dawn on us that it might not be healthy to pursue a connection with a person who lacks basic human decency–and there are many who merely adapt the appearance of being civilised.

When they pop up casually and resume interactions or communication in a manner which belittles the gravity of their actions, we may find ourselves frozen and our circuits fried enough to not be able to respond in any manner because the mixed signals might be way too much for our brains to handle.  Perhaps it means that, for our own wellbeing, we must merely let the matter drop and not bother figuring it out and move forward without hesitation.

(c) Niconica 2013

Have we become so jaded that we approach love as a form of power play?  We gauge each move and see whether the other person responds and we weigh our next move accordingly and see whether it would secure us the leverage we wish to prevail in the game? This form of approach is already dubious even outside the realm of romance, because the crafty shrewdness undermines honestly, honour, integrity, and what more, the highest of all virtues, love.

We are so uncomfortable at losing power or control over any situation that if we so much as express more emotion than the other and it is not reciprocated, we feel that we have not made the ‘right’ moves and it confers power upon the other over us.  Perhaps, in a manner of speaking, this is true.  At a base level, a love relationship is not immune to politics and plays for dominance, but this sort of approach demeans what it truly means to be in love with someone.

How averse are we to being hurt that we are willing to protect ourselves at any cost–even from ourselves or from someone else who may break down our walls and love us? There is nothing wrong with loving another, what causes us pain is the expectation that the love would be requited and it need not be. Yes it would be all the lovelier if the love was reciprocated, but it need not be.

We are capable of truly loving all by our lonesome, as sad as it might be.  We may only hope but we may not expect that the other be able to or should be capable of loving us back in the same manner or with the same intensity.  When we love, we must remember that it should be with no strings attached, otherwise, it detracts from the essence of love which gives freely without expecting another in return–though perhaps hoping for reciprocation.

(c) Niconica 2013