Archives for the month of: May, 2013

im·passe

/ˈimˌpas/

Noun
A situation in which no progress is possible

 

We find the definition of impasse above and when applied in a romantic context, it can be a very disconcerting and frustrating experience.  This blog post is a continuation from the previous post where we find ourselves in the void of emptiness and possibility–where we are caught between walking away completely and the painful anticipation.

There are many games we can employ in the romantic arena but we get to a certain point in our lives where, the direct and most authentic approach is applied in the interest of being time-efficient.  We can only do or say so much–and then it’s this period of stillness where we either have to start the painful process of grieving for an unrequited love or we wait for the other person to make up their minds about us–or get to the right frame of mind to figure out how they feel.

Despite intense feelings and attraction towards a certain person, we find ourselves restrained by the situation because there are some particular situations when no additional words need to be said or can be said anymore without serious detriment to our image.  This standstill becomes the mirror where we face our feelings in all its stark reality and sit with it until the situation resolves itself somehow–whether through direct or indirect rejection or through other more favourable circumstances.

(c) Niconica 2013

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There are some situations, especially in the context of romance, that we can only go so far–especially when we are seriously interested in the person.  In such cases, restraint is required, and when the situation presents itself that we are able to put the ball in the court of the other and it becomes their move.  This is when we will find out whether they are just being polite, friendly, or if they are really interested in us–if they take the initiative of contacting us and making the time to keep their word and establishing contact.

This impasse where possibilities lie is one of the most crucial turning points in a possible relationship.  If the other does not take the step towards us… We must acknowledge the painful fact that despite all our overtures and attempts, they were merely reacting to our stimuli as opposed to actively responding and mutually interacting with us. This is where we find out where we really stand after all the enjoyable friendly interactions.  This is where we know where the next step is.

And so, we wait. It’s their move.

(c) Niconica 2013

 

 

Limerence is an involuntary state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one’s feelings reciprocated.”  This aforementioned quote comes from Wikipedia.  It is a concept which I have recently come across over a week ago.  It is an interesting phenomenon explaining what can commonly be attributed as a “crush” or “infatuation” without immaturity as a factor, and strangely enough, it can almost be considered a mental condition–and takes the romance out of attraction and “falling in love.”

It is strange to find oneself in the throes of unreciprocated feelings and obsessive preoccupation with a person whom one had been neutral towards before and find a clinical and scientific description of one’s experience and yet despite an intellectual understanding of one’s experience, be unable to extinguish the feelings for the person whom one fancies.  By nature, the involuntary nature of the feelings leaves us helpless, we can endeavour to avoid the person in order to limit or remove the stimuli from further engulfing us in the vicious cycle.

We must find ways to occupy our thoughts and cope with the situation until the unwanted intrusive thoughts of the person is no longer experienced and we are able to find ourselves unaffected by the mention of their name, their presence, or any communique from them.  Meanwhile, we must contain ourselves from badgering the person despite the desperate desire for our feelings to have our feelings reciprocated–or at the very least for our feelings and our presence to be acknowledged.

We must also not fool ourselves with the perennial excuse that we would like to be “just friends” with them because in all reality, we will just be extending the emotional torment and feeding on false hopes that they might change their minds.  Being “just friends” with them will further the addiction towards the person and will only be detrimental to us when the feelings are not reciprocated, which is why we have found ourselves in this undesirable state of mind in the first place.

We must find a way to detach ourselves and move forward–even if it is a step at a time.  It will be the only way where we may save ourselves from further emotional hell and live to love another day–perhaps in a more healthy and mutually reciprocated manner.

(c) Niconica 2013

I have been quite remiss with posting this past week or so owing to both expected and unexpected flurry of activity which have come my way.  Being busy has its perks because the active moving forward and social interaction with people hold their own rewards, however, it can wear thin when we crave the sensation of feeling centered within our own solitude and reverie and in not being able to examine my thoughts and digest my experiences through blogging, I have felt some unease.

It is important to be able to process our experiences as we go through them–it can be said that it is essential to our sanity to be able to do so. I admire people who go through life engaging in action after action without much introspection because it feels that they don’t have the limitations which I seem to have–which is, feeling affected and unhappy when I am not able to regularly write and share my thoughts and be able to organize them more or less coherently than they appear in my head.

A flurry of activity can be tolerable when they appear in short bursts, but I do value my routine and I generally prefer that my routine is not disturbed as much as possible.  Having alone time is important and no matter how busy we are, we would feel unsettled when we do not have certain down times where we get to rest, be quiet, and enjoy our own company and indulge in our flights of fancy.

Having space and solitude is essential for natural introverts to be able to cope with the extroverted world.  Being able to write daily is invaluable to a writer–most especially, an aspiring one such as myself.  To be able to escape into the comfort of my reverie in a starburst of words and sentences is bliss.  I will endeavour to make up my lacking posts somehow.

(c) Niconica 2013

The past decade of my life has been eventful, to say the least.  It is basically a constant refresher on the Buddha‘s teachings of impermanence.  It has not gone according to plan and it makes me realize that we can make plans and aspire all we want to certain things but there are things which are beyond the grasp of sheer will and hard work–while of course, there are certain things which are achievable through perseverance.  Yet, there is no assurance about the future outcome of events because the nature of reality is that it is unpredictable and sometimes, even appearing random, while having some strange thread flowing through them when we look back.

I’ve come to learn that there may be things which we would desire and which to come into fruition but sometimes, it is not within our control or for us to say.  And it seems that each year that we live on this earth, the ante goes up and we are given more and more challenges, and sometimes we feel that we might even reach our breaking point because everything seems to be going awry and when we look at our fellow human beings–it may seem that everything is going peachy for them while we stand in the rain looking at their blessings.  What we may not be aware of is that they may be thinking the same thing because we hardly get everything that we want and while one facet of our life may be going more smoothly and we may feel that we are gradually getting a grasp on how to handle it; there would be other facets of life which feels like Russian roulette and we’ll just have to deal with what we are given and see what happens.

It is the lack of control of the outcome which really gives us pain because the uncertainty is not pleasant to bear and we would then have to cultivate both patience and courage with dealing with all things which are out of our control.  It’s not comfortable to think that there are more things which are out of our control that is within our control, but yet within this limitation, we may begin to harness the strength that we have and work with it.  We are in control of our own body, speech, and mind–or so we should be.  I think that beyond thinking about making situations or people conform to our will, we must first look within ourselves and investigate the nature of our own thoughts and seriously learn to hone our own unruly thoughts so that we may not become our own worst enemies.

We must also learn to harness the power of our speech so that we may be able to promote goodwill amongst fellow human beings instead of creating strife and conflict–and these then lead towards the further step of doing good with our presence here on earth–which is just a meager few decades.  This realization should spur us to make the most out of our limited time on earth and allow us to be of benefit to our fellow inhabitants of the planet/cosmos/galaxy.  It is in this manner which we would be able to better ourselves, as well as others, and even though we might still not be able to surmise or fully control what the future holds, we will be planting positive seeds which would eventually yield pleasant experiences for us.

(c) Niconica 2013

 

Just like that, someone can transform from a stranger to a friend, or even mean something more to us and as much as we would like to quantify or qualify the reasons for it being so, the reasons which we come up with do not suffice to describe or justify how we feel for the person.  It just happens like that, in the blink of an eye… and sometimes it disappears just as quickly as well.  It almost seems like a random divergence of possibilities and causes which result in what we feel or experience as true–without any guarantee of how long it may last or where the attraction may develop.

We proceed from leading our mundane lives to having an infatuation for a person whom we might previously have not known or cared whether they existed or not but now, we cannot get them out of our minds–and it happens just like that.  In such cases, we might feel confused as to how to act or react to our feelings and try to pinpoint which factors have contributed to the developing of romantic inclinations for a certain person and while there may be several points to consider, it might simply be a matter of chance, a passing fancy–or if it turns into something worthwhile, a matter of fate.

It’s hard to know what the ultimate outcome it from this side of the infatuation and yet the anticipation and hope fills us with excitement and we allow ourselves to be alternately elated and crushed in a rollercoaster of emotions in our interactions with the person based on whether they respond to our bids for attention.  Each non-reply to an SMS, a message, or an email, feels personal and monumental and calls to mind the popular book/saying that perhaps the person is “just not that into us.”  And most likely it might be true, but we cannot help but hope against hope that maybe, perhaps, just like that, they would also reciprocate our sentiments.

(c) Niconica 2013

 

When we get to a certain point in our lives and we find ourselves still single, it may be that it is because we have not met the person who is meant for us but at the same time we might wish to question ourselves as to whether we have contributed to the situation as well by having dating criteria which hinder the opportunity to meet the person who might be suitable for us.  It’s a bit of a double edge sword when we have a preference for a person with certain attributes because while it’s good to have standards, it might be these same standards which might keep us from allowing in certain people whom we might not have imagined dating but yet be suitable for us in the long run.

We must be reminded that we are not omniscient and sometimes, we might lack foresight or a realistic assessment of ourselves.  Our outlook and expectations might also have been skewed by our own biases, upbringing, or popular media.  These would contribute to our possible limiting ourselves of the possibilities available which we have not considered, encountered, or imagined. We must also review whether our criteria for the ideal mate or the ideal range of mates are really our own, or whether we have adopted the acceptable criteria of our society, culture, religion, parents, family, or friends. In order to be able to secure our future happiness, we must be honest with ourselves as to which qualities we are really looking for and not confuse the expectations of others into the equation because this might compromise our chance at a truly suitable mate.

We will be the ones being in a relationship with the person and if we do so choose to enter a committed relationship, we will be the ones enjoying or suffering within the confines of our choices therefore, we must consider which qualities and criteria are truly ours in order to be able to proceed with dating and selecting the right partner–and giving ourselves a fair chance at happiness.

(c) Niconica 2013