I have not managed to write my regular daily posts but I will make up for it in the number of posts I write instead. I’m still reeling from the shock and the pain of my valued friend’s HIV diagnosis. It could just as easily have been another terminal illness such as Cancer, the anguish and the devastation would be the same.

It’s too late to point fingers now because it doesn’t change the facts which are quite bitter pills to swallow. The challenge is to be able to recover from the shock and be able to help my friend deal with his predicament and be able to maximize the cards he has been dealt with.

Intellectually knowing the facts does not take away the gnawing pain inside my heart–I feel that it is breaking. Last year has been an unfortunate year of medical emergencies and losses, and this year, this situation is something new to struggle with. Undoubtedly this would be an opportunity for growth because if we do not adjust and evolve, we will not be able to survive unwanted changes, and yet an understanding of these facts do not take away the dull ache in my chest.

On one hand, I want to cheer up my friend and try to pretend that the situation is non-existent or not as serious but on the other hand, the alarming and severe symptoms exhibited does not allow me to escape from the thought that the remaining time from now are fraught with gravity of saying goodbye in not so many words but in actions and interactions which are so poignant because they might be the last few memories we have before time runs out because having a compromised immune system is nothing to joke a about–anything can come in and screw up the precarious equilibrium.

I have written a about preparing for death in one of my past posts but it was in the context of my grandparent who is already an octogenarian and has advanced stages of a degenerative at the twilight of a very long and full life or a relative who is already a senior citizen who suffered a debilitating illness. In both cases, it can be said that death can more easily be viewed as a more acceptable eventuality because they have managed to live long and full lives free from disease until these years.

It is an altogether different matter to be faced with the possible demise of someone yet in the prime of their life and the ticking clock announces the pressure of cramming as many meaningful moments into the limited time remaining. The ghosts of what could have been will haunt us while we attempt to enjoy the company of the ill person and we cannot help but feel anguish at that tragic turn of events.

I am unsure how I will be able to negotiate this new jagged emotional terrain. It is definitely a work in progress where we just have to do the best that we can to prevail despite discouraging and painful circumstances because no matter how badly we feel, we must not fail to appreciate that the person who is in the predicament would likely be feeling infinitely worse and our own selfish concerns and worries pale in comparison to theirs. We must then set aside our own misery, and attend to them while we have the opportunity to do so. There will be enough time to grieve and deal with our own pain in the future. Meanwhile, the present time should be devoted to them.

(c) Niconica 2013

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