We each have our own rhythm of how frequent we would like to communicate with our beloved and how frequently we would like our space or to maintain distance.

It is not a problem when the couple’s pacing of communication is in sync with the other. It becomes a problem when one has another preference and would like to communicate more with the other or when one would like for less frequency of communication.

This becomes fertile ground for misunderstanding and this matter can reach epic proportions when not dealt with through sincere and calm dialogue.

The one who would like to increase the pacing of keeping in touch would then be perceived as crowding or overwhelming the other. While, on the other hand, the one who feels like less communication will do would come off as pushing the beloved away.

In such cases where love is mutual and there is an intent in furthering the relationship, and therefore the impression of overwhelming or pushing away is clearly false, a dialogue must be struck so clear the air and assure each other of their feelings and true intentions in a non-hostile and/or non-accusatory manner.

It’s not the most ideal relationship when even the frequency of keeping in touch becomes a point of contention but it does happen to the best of us so in the case where the two parties would like to “hold on” as it is, these differences must be reconciled in some way that is satisfactory to both parties.

The person who desires more contact should be assured of the stability of the relationship even if there would be less contact and the person who desires more space would have to be assured that their need for distance is respected. This is just a starting point however.

Compromise should at least be discussed but most preferably applied to the situation where not one, but both parties adjust and accommodate the other’s preferences because if only one person acquiesces to the other and it seems like it good ‘solution’ in the short term, it’s going to build an imbalance, not to mention hidden resentments in the future.

It would be good if the couple someone meets in the middle and work it out from there because if both parties do not discuss what is to be done and automatically accommodates the other, it would turn out to be, in the least, a comedy of errors and at most, a disaster in the making.

If the person who wishes more contact automatically gives space to appease the other while the other who seeks space suddenly decides to keep in contact more, there would be some room for doubt and misinterpretation.

In such a case, the person who grudgingly keeps away as a knee jerk resentful reaction to being informed to stay away would not appreciate the mixed signals being given by the one who purports to want to stay away who at the same time attempts to increase communication to appease the other. While the person who wants space and tries to accommodate the person who wants more contact would be baffled, hurt, or angry as to why the person who says they want to keep in touch suddenly appears passive aggressive when they are already giving what was desired.

Without clear and honest communication, this is a situation which could easily snowball into serious conflict in the relationship and would be something which should be nipped in the bud via heartfelt conversation before things get to the point where the resentments cannot be effectively or easily addressed and therefore, even more complicated.

(c) Niconica 2012

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