Archives for the month of: January, 2012

It’s not always about grand gestures. Sometimes it’s about the little gestures and shows of concern. Inquiring about the other’s health and well-being can touch our hearts in unexpected ways.

Sometimes it’s not about having something in particular to talk about, but rather about talking about everything and anything just to spend time with each other.

It’s all sweet and it’s minute indications which could mean nothing… But it makes a difference.

(c) Niconica 2012

When you first meet someone and you make all sorts of presumptions and assumptions which might or might not be accurate and you actually act upon these notions, you might be cheating yourself out of the whole experience by pressing the ”fast-forward” buttonin your head.

When on a rebound, one becomes especially susceptible to this tendency where we tend to wrap the qualities of the ex on the next person and it’s unfair for all parties involved. It cheats you out of actually getting to know the other without undue bias.

When one jumps to conclusions about the other without giving the other a chance, it’s the proverbial fast-forward where we skip a lot of the crucial steps in getting to know the other and it’s no surprise that things tend to go downhill from here.

Don’t jump to conclusions about the other without giving the situation a fair amount of time to play out. The immature impulsivity of going fast-forward is a recipe for disaster for romance and it would undermine an otherwise potentially good relationship or friendship.

(c) Niconica 2012

The initial stages of romance is fraught with uncertainty and mixed signals as both parties try to figure out what is going on and how they feel about each other.

It’s filled with the thrill of discovering something new and the heady rush of infatuation that we don’t pay heed to the possible dangers which lay ahead.

As they say about best-laid plans, we may think that we’ll have everything in control but where emotions are involved it’s not as simple or straightforward as we would like it to be.

The stage of uncertainty has it’s perks because it doesn’t require the nitty gritty negotiation of particulars which is required by an actual relationship.

This is actually the best and worst part of romance because of the highs and the lows and the potentiality as well as the risk of rejection and heartbreak.

In a rapid-paced world, we might want to quickly bypass this stage and seal the deal so to speak, but this stage is the priming stage and is important to the potential relationship.

Having the romantic pre-dating stage might sound adolescent but it’s the stage where it’s still all light, frothy, and effervescent…

It’s where the tricky logistics of reality hasn’t found it’s way to shine the harsh light of reality on the situation. It’s the time where daydreams can take free reign.

It might be that it won’t turn out the way we want it to, that the interaction does not escalate to the level where a relationship is formed and it’s not going to be pleasant but when we’ve been bitten by the love bug, we can’t help but give it a try and step forward and take the risk…

Because we can’t help it and because we think that the so-called pot at the end of the rainbow just might be actually worth it, whether or not facts actually do support it.

(c) Niconica 2012

Conflicts with our beloved happens to the best of us. It seems as though the presence of love does not prevent disagreements and misunderstandings from coming into play, even to the best of couples, and what does mean to the rest of us mere mortals?

The notion that the presence of arguments in a relationship of even a pseudo-relationship is a signal that the relationship is not viable and that one must jump ship is does not hold water at times. It’s ideal with some situations such as in the case where physical harm is being done but in many cases, where feelings are involved, it’s not as easy to bail.

There are as many different arguments as there are couples and it would be hard to cover all the specifics but it in the case that there is the intent of keeping the relationship then the couple must work towards reconciliation and in the case where trust has been lost for whatever reason, it is not an easy task. And sometimes, it’s not even worth it, but try telling your heart that.

Also, after major arguments, there could be a period of silence of withdrawal where the pertinent matters are not dealt with whether by nature of the circumstance or by choice and there comes a period of trying to figure out where the other stands since no one has decided to open up and further discuss the point of contention for fear of another epic fight. What then?

Eventually the situation would reach a critical point where discussions would once again be required and would hopefully not turn into an argument. However in the case of irreconcilable differences, the chances of reconciliation would be slim to null of neither of the parties are willing to budge on their point of contention.

The dance of reconciliation is tricky and requires careful and sensitive negotiations and utmost sincerity. There is always a danger that things can turn for the worse and perhaps a nagging doubt that history would tend to repeat itself.

These fears are warranted, however in the situation where love (or stupidity) reigns supreme, one plugs forward in the hopes that there would be a better result this time around, that perhaps people can change and that where there is a will, there is a way.

Reconciliation requires a great amount of trust, faith and hard work and at every step towards seeking better understanding of each other’s point if view, there is a risk that things won’t work out and the most important questions we can ask ourselves are: knowing all the factors and risks involved, are we willing to take the chance and furthermore, are we willing to see it through?

(c) Niconica 2012

As human beings we are drawn to beauty in myriad of ways as they appeal to our five senses. We appreciate pleasant looks, pleasant scents, pleasant music/sounds/voices, and pleasant textures.

This tendency is both a strength and a weakness of humanity. Our partiality for the aesthetically pleasing causes great art, music, scents, and materials to be created. On a more personal front, it is this tendency which brings us to be lulled, seduced, or deceived by pleasing appearances.

At one time or another, we have had to come face to face with the stark reality that appearances can indeed be deceiving and this comes as a surprise to us since humans unconsciously attribute virtue to the bearer of a beautiful face. And this is many times not the case.

When we are infatuated or enamored by a certain person on this basis–that they are good looking–we become vulnerable to being taken advantage of or abused by these people since we automatically roll over and acquiesce to their whims on the assumption that their intentions are virtuous.

We must be continuously vigilant about this probability when we begin interactions with a person whom we find attractive whether it be in a romantic or platonic context. Our natural bias to beautiful faces does not give us an edge in interactions with them and instead is a disadvantage.

Beautiful people are a pleasure to look at and it is not a sin to merely appreciate beauty but when we allow beauty or good looks to unduly influence us, it opens us to many unfavorable avenues emotionally and psychologically.

We must be remind ourselves that despite their appearances, they are just as human and fallible as the rest of us and are not exempt from typical human failings and are not perfect like the rest of us.

Their appearances though give them more opportunity to be corrupted by the availability of opportunity to take advantage of others and as such, their attractiveness would provide them more ‘willing victims’ for manipulation than the average person.

Considering all these, they would actually have less incentive to be the virtuous people we might purport them to be on the basis of their pleasant smiles and attractive appearances. They then get away with more things than others who have not been bestowed with good looks.

With these factors in play, the chances that they would be good or virtuous would be less than an average person who has not been favored by generic lottery.

When one enters into a relationship or an interaction with such a person, one might be considered lucky on the surface to have won the affections of an appealing person; however, trite would be certain risks involved and this is something which much be considered.

(c) Niconica 2012

We each have our own rhythm of how frequent we would like to communicate with our beloved and how frequently we would like our space or to maintain distance.

It is not a problem when the couple’s pacing of communication is in sync with the other. It becomes a problem when one has another preference and would like to communicate more with the other or when one would like for less frequency of communication.

This becomes fertile ground for misunderstanding and this matter can reach epic proportions when not dealt with through sincere and calm dialogue.

The one who would like to increase the pacing of keeping in touch would then be perceived as crowding or overwhelming the other. While, on the other hand, the one who feels like less communication will do would come off as pushing the beloved away.

In such cases where love is mutual and there is an intent in furthering the relationship, and therefore the impression of overwhelming or pushing away is clearly false, a dialogue must be struck so clear the air and assure each other of their feelings and true intentions in a non-hostile and/or non-accusatory manner.

It’s not the most ideal relationship when even the frequency of keeping in touch becomes a point of contention but it does happen to the best of us so in the case where the two parties would like to “hold on” as it is, these differences must be reconciled in some way that is satisfactory to both parties.

The person who desires more contact should be assured of the stability of the relationship even if there would be less contact and the person who desires more space would have to be assured that their need for distance is respected. This is just a starting point however.

Compromise should at least be discussed but most preferably applied to the situation where not one, but both parties adjust and accommodate the other’s preferences because if only one person acquiesces to the other and it seems like it good ‘solution’ in the short term, it’s going to build an imbalance, not to mention hidden resentments in the future.

It would be good if the couple someone meets in the middle and work it out from there because if both parties do not discuss what is to be done and automatically accommodates the other, it would turn out to be, in the least, a comedy of errors and at most, a disaster in the making.

If the person who wishes more contact automatically gives space to appease the other while the other who seeks space suddenly decides to keep in contact more, there would be some room for doubt and misinterpretation.

In such a case, the person who grudgingly keeps away as a knee jerk resentful reaction to being informed to stay away would not appreciate the mixed signals being given by the one who purports to want to stay away who at the same time attempts to increase communication to appease the other. While the person who wants space and tries to accommodate the person who wants more contact would be baffled, hurt, or angry as to why the person who says they want to keep in touch suddenly appears passive aggressive when they are already giving what was desired.

Without clear and honest communication, this is a situation which could easily snowball into serious conflict in the relationship and would be something which should be nipped in the bud via heartfelt conversation before things get to the point where the resentments cannot be effectively or easily addressed and therefore, even more complicated.

(c) Niconica 2012

When we give in to our emotions despite our better judgement, it’s may not turn out the way we would hope. It’s not that we are unaware of our logic telling us to keep away from a certain person who has already broken our heart more than once, it’s that our compulsion supersedes reason. This is what gets us into trouble.

When someone has already treated us badly, the correct thing to do is walk away but often times, despite our better judgment, we stay–and this is to our detriment and even if we know better, we can’t seem to walk away or do anything about it except tell ourselves that we won’t be that stupid next time. Or so we think. As the song goes, “It ain’t over till it’s over.”

And when will this cycle be over? This on agan off again, push and pull vicious cycle gets complicated and we wonder whether we would have the strength to survive it since we don’t seem to have the strength to flee–which is what we really should do if we could.

We give in for many reasons–and most of these are self-deluding excuses based on wishful thinking that maybe things will be different this time around. And that maybe, the other person has learned their lesson and would ‘change.’ We continue this pattern of giving in until there is nothing left for us to give–until we are an empty shell of who we once were and where does it leave us?

Every time our weakness gets the better of us, we resolve to not repeat the same mistakes and yet history repeats itself and we are once again at the losing end. Is it worth it? Definitely not. Do we know better? Yes. Would we be able to avoid the same pitfall next time? Hopefully yes, for our own welfare.

(c) Niconica 2012

For whatever reason people like to play mind games, it simply is not worth it considering the possible and actual casualties along the way.

It can be much more straightforward but for whatever saddistic and/or self-defeating reason, some people decide to play with people’s feelings before they chew them up and it goes past the border of cruel at times.

There are people who enjoy and thrive in the inconsistent and volatile environment of game playing and they always seem to find people to play with or victimize.

Once we figure out their propensities we should spare no time in getting away from them even if we think we can beat them at their game, because it won’t be worth it even then.

It’s heartbreaking to walk away from these people if we care about them and it’s not easy but we must remember that in staying, we put ourselves on the line and it might not be worth it in the long haul.

It’s not to say that there are no other methods to deal with the situation. Certainly, addressing and calling off the game playing is an option and it might work if the mind game player agrees to do so for real. However, ultimately if it becomes an on again of again tale of cat and mouse, it might be best to waste no time and put one foot in front of the other and walk (or run) away.

(c) Niconica 2012

Mickey Pearlman and Katherine Usher Henderson have, in A Voice of One’s Own, presented interesting and insightful essays of their interview with a notable selection of America’s Writing Women.

It’s an enriching experience to learn the thoughts and personal histories of successful woman writers. Pearlman and Henderson have certainly given women writers the stage in this book, after duly noting that women are often featured as token women writers otherwise.

It is heartening to read and learn about the writing journeys of women writers which are often intertwined and inseparable from their personal lives and experiences.

It’s also encouraging to learn that they come from all sorts of walks of life and professionally pursued writing at different ages and due to different circumstances though all have enjoyed and displayed a knack for writing during younger years.

I highly recommend this book to all writers–especially to aspiring female writers.

(c) Niconica 2012

It’s unbelievable how many various codecs exist and are required to play different forms of videos.

For someone like me who grasps at straws with these technical things, it’s frustrating to not be able to just click play and be able to watch video files even when it’s already on a DVD disc.

Good thing a friend told me about VLC Media Player which is a free open source media player which works with most platforms without requiring codec downloads.

It just takes minutes to download and set up even with a basic computer and it’s up and running. As the post title indicates… VLC Media Player came through awesomely for me and I’m able to watch Gilmore Girls for the nth time. Yay!

(c) Niconica 2012