When someone has not accepted your friend request nor responded to your message, you should take a hint that a non-reply is a reply. It is not some sort of huge mystery and the person, sans an obituary, has not fallen into a black hole not have they proverbial fallen off the face of the earth.

Obviously, they are not interested in interacting with you and the persistent efforts just push them further away. Persistence in this case would just place you in the category of a cyberstalker and basically, what we would call just a good old-fashioned creep.

Short of a full-on confrontation or some contentious interaction which would cause your ego to project yourself as a victim in this situation which you caused in the first place, ignoring you is the best and most polite recourse.

Take a hint and go on with your own life. With the connectivity of social media and the advanced communications technology existing, if the person wanted further interaction with you, believe me, they would have responded to your message or accepted your friend request.

It may be a shock that we are not welcome in someone’s world but that’s life. Boundaries should be respected and if you have a problem with respecting boundaries, it is more so a reason that the person you are chasing after ignores you because it goes without saying that people who cannot honor boundaries fall into the more toxic category and truth be told, who should or would want anything to do with you?

Take a hint and move on with your life. Move to with more productive pursuits and hopefully, not onto the next target/prey. But then, again, what are the chances that people can be other than who they are?

(c) Niconica 2020

When somebody close has wronged you, they will often claim they had the best intentions. This is where they will appear to be the one offended by you for daring to be offended by the harm they caused.  This is the point where you ought to apologize to them for catching them out for their bad behavior.

Now, if you fall for that, prepare to make reparations to the person who has harmed you and have the whole cycle repeat all over again only worse.  People who are manipulative and narcissistic do not change.  Their lies get better. Their manipulation tactics get more refined.  And that’s about the extent of their capability for change.

The minute that you figure this out and accept the bitter truth.  Well, you’ll hit rock bottom. But at least, it’s a solid place to begin where you are not propped up by lies and empty promises. This is where you begin to see clearly and perhaps manage to pick up the pieces and heal and most importantly, try to avoid committing the same mistakes of trusting so easily.

(c) Niconica 2020

Experience is the best teacher because we not likely to forget what we have learned, however it is the worst because all these lessons come at a price and the currency is pain–lots of it.  It is the best teacher because it provides the best lesson, but it comes at a steep price, like many or most quality lessons.

Experience comes not only at the cost of pain, but also requires a time investment–that’s the pound of flesh it requires, because the first time it teaches us and we have spent less time on this earth, we do not believe its lessons nor do we think that the laws of harsh reality will ever apply to us.

We think that we can determine our own lives and we place so much value and overestimate the concept of freewill.  However, eventually, through the years, experience will patiently, and ruthlessly teach us that when we do not learn as quickly as possible, the stakes become higher.

It behooves us to learn quickly, but this is only the advantage of the young who do not know better.  So, years later, when we are worn and beaten by this savage taskmaster called experience, we eventually learn our lesson…  Hopefully, when it happens, it won’t be too late to exercise the wisdom and the caution which experience has taught us.

(c) Niconica 2020

We would at least hope that the price of all these painful experiences is that we become wiser.  Sometimes, we just become more broken and not necessarily wiser.  However, I believe that all pain that we experience should at least serve the purpose of causing us to become wiser, because it would teach us to want to avoid repeating the same painful experience at all costs.

This would lead us to examine everything that has happened–all the decisions and all the consequences of those decisions.  And through this self-examination, we will be able to determine which actions or thought patterns have lead us to make bad decisions which have lead us to this painful point.  Because, even if we are not at fault in an active manner, the mere fact that we are in pain means that we have made some error in judgement or some mistake that has lead us to think.

We have trusted the wrong people and allowed people to take our right of self-determination away from us.  And that is an error of judgement as well as a mistake that we ought to not repeat again, lest we have another repeat experience.  If we have made mistakes, we must take care not to repeat the same mistakes resulting from our faulty decision-making and erroneous notions with different people.

We must become vigilant about the patterns of interactions which are not healthy and we must be wary of toxic people and their behaviors.  There are always red flags and we always realize them in hindsight.  And if we don’t learn the lessons from these, then all our efforts will have just gone to waste, because we will find that history will repeat itself.

(c) Niconica 2020

Sometimes, even when we think that we have had closure, it is simply not the case.  We only know this when we come to another milestone and think again that we have closure.  I’m not sure whether we really do come to grips with disappointments and heartbreaks–ever.  At some point, I think we just detach from it, and let time do its thing to separate us from the event.

However, when we recall what has been done to us and what has happened, sometimes, the experiences are too painful to even wrap our minds around, and we would once again, want to seek closure because we cannot accept that the events have occurred as they have because all we have done is just to treat people well from the bottom of our hearts and we have wanted to keep a good relationship.

Things do go awry for some reason, sometimes.  People have a tendency to get emotionally greedy in relationships and they want to take more and more from us to the point that things just get off-kilter and off the relationships tumbles down like a house of cards, at which point they would want to demand forgiveness and even expect things to return to the way they were before, but that is simply impossible.

The best we can try to get from any situation is closure, but closure is something that is elusive–and we keep chasing it.  Perhaps, just perhaps, it would happen when we least expect it.

(c) Niconica 2020

There must come a point in our lives when enough is enough, when we should stop trying to be “good” people and allowing people to trample upon our patience, our kindness, and self-respect.  Even if there is or there is not some greater entity that is watching us and passing judgement on what is good and evil and right and wrong, we must remember to exercise the right to protect ourselves and defend ourselves from less than stellar intentions.

Usually, no one harbors a negative intention just for the sake of harming others.  Usually, people harbor purely selfish and self-serving intentions which just run contrary to what is good for ourselves.  Usually these manipulative people are just watching out for their best interest and this best interest usually runs opposite to what is good for us.  Usually when they want to take something for themselves–it usually means taking it or reducing it from someone else.

When we avoid conflict and confrontation, we will try to make excuses for their lousy behavior because we are fond of them, or maybe we have some respect of them, or perhaps we fear their authority, even.  And the abuse will continue even when we try to politely steer unwelcome advances away and try to decline in an inoffensive manner.  Eventually though, we hope that it does reach some pathetic threshold and we do declare that enough is enough and walk away–for good.

(c) Niconica 2020

No one likes having toxic interactions or relationships.  No one likes unpleasantness and uncomfortable interactions.  However, most of the times, when toxic people are involved–this is the only way it goes when one eventually gets fed up with the gaslighting and the emotional and verbal abuse.  And, if we know that’s good for us–there should be no looking back.

As people-pleasers we try to accommodate as much crap from people as much as possible in order to keep the peace, in order to keep us in their good graces.  However, ironically these sort of people treat people who treat them like crap better.  When you treat them well, it becomes a signal to them that you are easy pray and they can, and they will, take advantage of your kindness, simply because you allow it.

That’s one of the harsh realities of life that we have to deal with.  People will try to get away with anything and everything if you allow them.  It’s just ridiculous that we are taught so much idealism and theory in school, and as we are growing up.  And that the villains in the fairytales are so obviously evil that no one would want to give them any chances anyway–were it to happen in real life.

The truth is that truly toxic people appear to be good and appear to be the opposite of what a villain is, and that is why we fall prey to their charms, their wit, or their announced good intentions.  After all, they are masters in deception and skilled with manipulation.  If we do find ourselves free of them or even when we have the opportunity to escape their grasp, we must run away without turning back.

(c) Niconica 2020

No one is estranged for no reason.  When we are estranged from people, it is always for a reason.  I don’t think that it can ever be walked back to the same way that it was before, and why should it?  It is always a bad idea to go back to something that has gotten to the point of estrangement, because people are always the way they are, and whatever happened would still happen by virtue of the basic nature of the people involved.

This is not to say that forgiveness is not possible nor recommended.  It’s just that forgiveness does not mean that we, once again, resume contact with the person who has caused us harm or hurt to the point that we have become estranged with them.  Forgiveness can occur without resuming contact with the person, because forgiveness is a one-sided thing.  It does not require the consent of the opposing party.

And that is exactly what this is… When someone is estranged from you, they are the opposing party, but not in a direct manner where there is an outright confrontation.  It is still marked by conflict or dispute, but handled in a more passive manner, which is not a bad thing, because maturity will dictate that conflict and/or confrontation or direct discussion with these sorts of people would just get ugly and unproductive.

It’s nice to think that there is some happy outcome for estranged relationships, but most of the time, the healthiest outcome is the one that has been established by having clear boundaries–and wide boundaries.  It’s not always a good idea to tell people to kiss and make up because sometimes, there are really such things as irreconcilable differences between friends or family members–it is not only reserved for a partner or a spouse.

When something does not work and the unpleasantness and the series of interactions have lead to estrangement, we must not force upon these people whatever idealistic image is in our minds of rebuilding rapport or friendship or peace between the two parties, because most of the time, it has gotten to the point estrangement for a reason.  And the reason is big enough, when it gets to that point.

There is usually a reason behind what has happened, and now amount of mental narrative in our heads should suffice for us to meddle and ask people to reverse the estrangement, simply because we are uncomfortable with the situation, or that we dislike the idea of estrangement.  Fact is that no one likes the idea of estrangement or being estranged from people–sometimes, it’s just simply necessary.

(c) Niconica 2020

It has been quite a bumpy past few years.  And it’s harder to think of people in an ideal manner anymore.  It seems that everyone operates with their own ulterior motives and that is the lens that will color every single interaction with others–even supposedly spiritual and holy leaders who are supposed to have our best interests at heart, by virtue of their position or the institution which they lead.

They are just but human, but this is something that every single cult leader who has manage to deceive many a lost soul and lead them astray for their own selfish intentions.  It seems that being in a position of power leads even the best of us astray, what more these normal human beings who are not immune to the natural human inclinations of abusing the weak and the vulnerable.

I wish I had realized this sooner, but I was busy getting lost in the idealism of spirituality and the ideology of goodness being touted in society by spiritual groups and spiritual marketing.  How things are actually and how they are being portrayed to be by the people who actually have the power to make a difference are totally different.

The walk and talk are completely opposite and they often make conflicting statements, because even the most skillful at deception eventually are unmasked.   As long as you are the one forking out your hard-earned money to donate or give to a so-called spiritual leader or organization, you are in essence their client, and they are selling something to do, whether it is something as abstract as assurance and peace of mind or as solid as prayers and officiation of ceremonies.

No one is immune to the temptation of money and the ulterior motives often boil down to money, sex, and power–the basic factors which have brought civilizations to its knees and great leaders down from pedestals.  Every single wrongdoing committed can be summed up into these three basic motivations.  Every single ulterior motive when stripped raw will fall under one of these three basic factors.

I have said before, seek your own counsel, lest your own sense and good judgment be taken from you and your freedom to protect yourself be so gracefully and skillfully stripped you without you even knowing it.  Every single time that you ask for counsel or advise from someone else, you have to be careful that they are not taking your power from you because in taking their counsel, your power to decided for yourself is being stripped from you.

As you become more dependent on their advice and their decisions for you, you heed less of your own.  Eventually, you will be fully pray to their ulterior motives because really, it’s much too expect that people will be doing things out of the goodness of their own heart–most likely, they are just doing things out of their own ulterior motives, disguised as good intentions.  Everything has a price.

(c) Niconica 2020

Many, if not most, people will have suggestions as to what we should do with our lives.  They usually do not make suggestions for themselves because they perceive themselves to be perfect–unlike us, mere mortals.  And theses suggestions will always reflect their level of ignorance and arrogance.  As discussed in previous blogs, their suggestions will always be self-serving whether it would be to benefit them directly or to benefit them by making sure that you do not get to where you want to go.

People are not all born good, everyone is usually just average–average and reactive in the sense that they will always act according to their own biases and for their own best interest.  However, it will always be camouflaged as well-meaning suggestions and they will always claim again that they have the best intentions.  They will also say that their way is the only way or make it seem to be so.  And they would make it seem as if good results are guaranteed.

Of course, the minute that following their suggestion yields negative consequences, they will exercise selective amnesia and disown their suggestions faster that a heartbeat and they will wash their hands off whatever consequences has occurred.  They would even be the first to condemn you for going down that path of action which they have suggested or persuaded you to do in the first place and all your protests will just seem like you are defensive and that you are trying to make excuses for the mess or the failure which has occurred.

The results of the consequences will be borne solely by you, so you have to take responsibility for it, especially when it goes south.  Of course, when it goes well, everyone else, even your enemy who tried to create obstacles for you will try to take credit for it.  However, when things do not go well, no one will be standing on your corner so therefore, make sure that every decision is fully yours.  If they will not stand in your corner for the consequences, they do not have a right to decide the causes.

So, when people make suggestions, we must always be wary and exercise not only due caution, but extraordinary caution since it would be too much to ask that they learn to mind their own business and not meddle in the affair of others.

(c) Niconica 2020