Rethinking Dating Criteria

When we get to a certain point in our lives and we find ourselves still single, it may be that it is because we have not met the person who is meant for us but at the same time we might wish to question ourselves as to whether we have contributed to the situation as well by having dating criteria which hinder the opportunity to meet the person who might be suitable for us.  It’s a bit of a double edge sword when we have a preference for a person with certain attributes because while it’s good to have standards, it might be these same standards which might keep us from allowing in certain people whom we might not have imagined dating but yet be suitable for us in the long run.

We must be reminded that we are not omniscient and sometimes, we might lack foresight or a realistic assessment of ourselves.  Our outlook and expectations might also have been skewed by our own biases, upbringing, or popular media.  These would contribute to our possible limiting ourselves of the possibilities available which we have not considered, encountered, or imagined. We must also review whether our criteria for the ideal mate or the ideal range of mates are really our own, or whether we have adopted the acceptable criteria of our society, culture, religion, parents, family, or friends. In order to be able to secure our future happiness, we must be honest with ourselves as to which qualities we are really looking for and not confuse the expectations of others into the equation because this might compromise our chance at a truly suitable mate.

We will be the ones being in a relationship with the person and if we do so choose to enter a committed relationship, we will be the ones enjoying or suffering within the confines of our choices therefore, we must consider which qualities and criteria are truly ours in order to be able to proceed with dating and selecting the right partner–and giving ourselves a fair chance at happiness.

(c) Niconica 2013

 

Manslations: Decoding the Secret Language of Men

One of the better dating books around, ladies. Jeff Mac steps up and lifts the curtain of secrecy and shows us what lies behind baffling male speech and behavior.  It turns out that it’s not all that complicated and pretty hilarious the way Jeff Mac writes it.

I couldn’t put the book down–it was informative, funny, and easy to read.  This is a must-read for everyone who ever wondered, “What is he thinking?” and/or “Why is he doing that?”

Replete with common sense, truisms, and hilarious insight, Manslations should be required reading for everyone who ever wants to understand men.

Two thumbs-up: required reading for Love101!

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s

Downhill From Here

There comes a point in any relationship when that line is crossed, and there’s no going back. Negotiating relationships is more complicated these days since there is the appearance that there is no more ‘hard and fast rules’ people seem to think there is a license to act however they please with impunity.  With more people possessing weaker or damaged moral compasses, it’s no wonder that relationships are a minefield.

With what is becoming a more and more popular trend for relationships to be more on the “It’s complicated” side rather than the cut and dried relationships, there is more room for error and miscommunication.  With the so-called evolution of human beings, the patterns and trends for relationships seem to be splitting into a myriad number of manifestations–and not always for the better.

Surviving the gray area takes a lot more emotional acumen than most and there comes a point during the dance that something is said or done, and there is no turning back, and as the saying goes, “It’s all downhill from here.” No matter how we want to cling to the way things are or the way we want to maintain our impression or feelings towards our ‘partner’ it’s never the same–it’s the proverbial crack in the glass, sooner or later we are left with shards–and possibly bleeding.

As much as a cavalier attitude towards relationships is admired or propagated by mass media in more ways than one, we must be vigilant and responsible with our thoughts, words, and actions.  Before jumping to conclusions which may damage the delicate balance of the relationship or pseudo-relationship, we must always remind ourselves that there is a more diplomatic way to communicate and phrase things–a way to be able to communicate and resolve differences without ruining everything.

Once that point is crossed, barring the sudden invention, appearance, and/or access to a time machine, there’s no taking it back.

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s

The So-called Perfect Life

It’s funny how when we are much younger, we have a black and white view of the world.  Everything was both more simplistic and more generalized, as life was pretty much more of a theoretically possibility and held boundless potential, and has yet to be tempered by the bitter blows of experience.

I used to imagine that I’d be married in my mid-twenties and by my thirties I’d be well on the way raising the prescribed 2.5 children. It was simple and with the characteristic hubris of youth, it seemed doable.  I had the mistaken notion that finding the right life partner was simply about falling in love.

I realize now it’s not that life is much more complicated than that. Finding a partner was not simply something that is as easy as infatuation (and this is indeed a far cry from love), nor is it about finding someone to simply hold hands and skip into the sunset with us.  If we are more self-aware, we would realize that it is as much about our inner journey too.

The fantasy of the perfect life, the perfect family, and the perfect partner can be dangerous to our health… not that it harms us to aspire towards it, but we must be aware that ideals are simply what they are… and that reality might be, with hard work, patience, and determination, pretty good too, though it might fall short of picture-perfect.

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s

Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love

To be sure, it’s a catchy title… and it didn’t disappoint! I would recommend this to anyone who is seriously seeking love, relationships, and/or marriage.  It’s not preachy and there’s certainly no sugar-coating when they share interesting–and sometimes uncomfortable–factoids about the discrepancies of the male and female psyche.

While there is not much handholding throughout the book as Allan and Barbara Pease candidly share with us their thoughts and findings on the matter, there is a certain clarity that dawns upon us and one cannot help but feel a bit more equipped to delve into the vast underpinnings of the male and female psyche as applied to romantic partnerships.

I cannot say enough that we need to read up and learn more about the inner workings of romance and how being aware of gender differences set the scene for more effective communication and understanding between partners. Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love would be a good place to start.

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s

Love 101: Learning Relationship Skills

Just because we happen to fall into relationships or find ourselves in relationships by a series of events or another, it does not immediately mean that we have the necessarily skills to navigate, maintain, and optimize our relationships. We take for granted that we automatically will figure it out as we go along or that we’ll learn as we go along… and learning by trial and error can cost us the whole relationship.

Just because we find ourselves having access to or being able to buy a car, it does not automatically mean we have the skills to drive.  We actually take the time and effort to learn how to drive officially or unofficially before we take the wheel–otherwise, mishaps have a greater chance of happening.

It is the same way with relationships and it’s a pity that relationships skills are not part of K-12 education… and we are paying the price for it with higher rates of divorce, separation, and marital/relationship strife which might have been avoidable had we been equipped with the right know-how.

Funnily enough, if and when we do take time to pause before running headlong into the search for the next romantic partnership, we would find that there are a lot of resources available to this effect. However, it would seem that by the time we are aware enough to stroll to the self-help section of the bookstore or to a psychologist’s office, the damage has already been done and as trite as it may sound, the saying, “An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.” applies.

We must not be arrogant enough to assume that simply being born human and having emotions is automatically confers us with competent relationship skills. It is simply not so. Instead of looking around and finding fault with another or others, we must first look within ourselves and try to attempt some emotional and psychological housekeeping.

The way the world is going at the moment, it would almost be helpful to suggest that screening must be done before allowing people to go into relationships and even more screening to be done before allowing people to have children.  The capability to procreate is not proof of being able to be an able parent. As difficult as it may be, there really should be a line which should be drawn somewhere.  However, I digress.

I shall be featuring a series of reviews of books which discuss relationship skills soon.

Stay tuned!

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s

A Compelling Encounter

They say that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Most of the time, we don’t realize all this until the experience has long passed.  It is upon looking back that we realize the relevance of the experience. I am grateful that for this particular encounter, I was fully present in the moment to witness and experience it. It’s not life altering or anything, but it was specifically and personally meaningful, which I guess, in the end, is what really matters.

It would most likely be evident from the blog posts that cynicism has crept into my system and as much as I might internally and secretly hope for encounters with kindred spirits, I am not counting on it to happen often–if at all. It is rare that I meet a kindred spirit on the path who really speaks to me–or so it seems.

The initial title of the blog post is “A Soulmate Encounter” and when I stepped back and thought about it, I would have to be honest that upon further examination of the experience and subsequent encounters with this particular kindred spirit, I am unsure whether he can be definitely classified as a soulmate… which still does not really detract from what might have been a one-off encounter with him.

So here’s what I hope would be a short and interesting, albeit admittedly expository, account of what happened.

I had encountered him years ago and it was interesting because we both did not make very strong impressions on each other, and this was evident because he did not even remember me this time around when we met again. I am not in a habit of randomly introducing, or furthermore, re-introducing myself, to people when I encounter them again–especially if it was not necessary.  However, I don’t know what came upon me that afternoon when I reintroduced myself in a confident and friendly manner and let the whole fact that he did not even recall who I was roll down my back.

I am usually not so thick-skinned as to risk such a reception but for some reason that day I was feeling upbeat and nonchalant as I struck up some small talk reminding him about the circumstances where we met before and let the fact that he vaguely remembered pass. I went on my way and for some reason, kept on encountering him in passing and making a few comments here and there, which could be construed as small talk, except for the fact that small talk is usual trivial and both parties are not particularly interested in what the other has to say as much as they are interested in merely moving their mouths and having sounds come out and shallowly interacting.

For some strange reason, he seemed to be listening to what I said and asking relevant follow-up questions with a focused and intense gaze which signified that a flippant reply would not suffice. I am so jaded as to actually be surprised that there are conversations where people are still particularly interested in what the other party has to say, instead of merely engaging in meaningless verbal repartee. There was constant activity and our little pockets of conversation kept getting interrupted and I had to excuse myself a couple of times, a few times with relief because I was not prepared for such well thought of questions.

As chance would have it we eventually did end up having the opportunity to talk more intensely and we both were able to have a brief pocket of time when the conversation was permitted to proceed for a considerable length of time and it was like discovering a an unexpected present. I am unaccustomed to meet someone who seemed to “get” me and somehow who seemed to have the uncanny power of glimpsing into the shadow of my soul. It is rare to be able to converse with a kindred spirit, and even now, I am grateful for the moment. There are so many ephemeral moments which flit by but during rare times, we do get a treat–and this is one of them… these are moments which, while brief, possess their weight in gold.

It reminded me of Ethan Hawke’s movie Before Sunset in some ways, sans the flirtations.  As much as I would like to claim that there was a romantic interest at the beginning, it would simply not be true. It was within the context of the gripping conversation that I suddenly found an appreciate for his quiet and intense gazes and saw his pleasing looks in a whole new light. Despite occasional flights of fancies which may be indulged in my mind or in writing, I am not wont to act in a manner which reflects what I feel.

So, no, there is no fairy tale ending here nor any romantic encounters in store, as much as I may secretly hope… for a myriad of reasons including the fact that all these notions are most likely one-sided, and I am sensible enough to acknowledge it. It is one of the more unfortunate facts of life that many things which we think or feel for someone else has a high probability of being one-sided.  It doesn’t make the fact less painful to face, but the consequences of imprudently acting out on delusional thoughts would even be worse.

I find solace in the fact that I have at least made a friend. It is my wish that the friendship be more meaningful without necessarily leading down any romantic avenue which tends to be filled with emotional minefields. Perhaps this connection, real or imaginary, could last longer if it’s carefully framed as friendship because there is a certain solace in the safe distance friendship provides, though I cannot help but feel my heart skip a beat during the rare times when we communicate, nor can I help but feel my heart sink when I realize even more that this connection is special only in my own mind.

It is what it is and I am thankful to have met him again, for whatever reason.

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s

You Just Don’t Understand: Women & Men in Conversation (A Book Review)

I was at Book Sale and I came upon a copy of this book “You Just Don’t Understand: Women & Men in Conversation” by Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. – and funny enough, it was just what I needed at the time. As we get older, the more set we are in our ways and we begin to harbor the illusion that we know so much about the world–just because we’ve lived a bit… There’s something to be said for trial and error, but why go through the needless and avoidable pain when one can read up on the subject and have a better chance of avoiding the pitfalls of miscommunication–providing one reads, absorbs, and applies the guidelines judiciously. It cannot be said enough that with communication: context is key.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is in a relationship,  planning to be in a relationship, on their way to being in a relationship, or considering being in a relationship.  However, in saying all this, this book is not exclusive to people who are interested in relationships, the insights shared are also applicable to anyone who is interested in gender relations, linguistics, and social interactions. Humans might, arguably, be created equal but men and women really come from different psychological and emotional places in many ways and this fact reflects in their communication styles, and may result in creating certain levels of tension and misunderstanding, which could be avoidable if we just did our homework.

It is not wonder this book has been a hailed a “#1 International Bestseller.” A must-read!

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s

Romantic Love: Delight or Delusion?

What is popularly defined as “love” can be the authentic version or “infatuation” the bootleg version of it.  Unfortunately, at the onset, it is hard to tell which is which is which… and as with most things, the passage of time serves to separate the true from the false… with a lot of casualties on the wayside.

Romantic love, with the above consideration, is both a delight and a delusion, with only time to serve as both its arbiter and judge.  It is fortunate that, as much as we would like to believe, things do not happen in one fell swoop.  As the events progress, we get little hints and clues of the symptoms of the nature of the relationship, and we can take action accordingly.

It is hardly this simple though since when we find ourselves to far into the delights or the delusions of “love” to take action… whether it is through actual emotional blindness or contrived blindness so that we would be able to cling to the relationship or the object of our affections for one more day… until the one more day stretched indefinitely and goes past the point of no return.

(c) Niconica 2011*

*does not apply to image/s

10 “Strange” Reasons for Getting Married

While I proffer my heartfelt congratulations to happily married couples, I cannot help but feel that they are the exception rather than the norm. I’ve stumbled across various unhappily married couples who bemoan their current state of matrimony as though they had not entered it willingly while in full possession of their wits.

Upon further inquiry and through the course of a few years, I have stumbled across various reasons–ranging from strange to downright sad–which they have claimed to have for entering wedlock. As these are all reasons stated after the fact, one cannot really attest or fully put faith in the veracity of their claims–except for the fact that they believe it to be so presently.

Considering the fact that mere humans like us tend to be inconsistent beings and it would not be hard to imagine that these reasons would not have even be mentioned prior to the wedding–had we possessed a time machine to travel back and interview them on that day. However, if it applies, may these various “reasons” for marrying someone stand as beacon of caution and/or awareness for others.

1. Money, Wealth, Riches, Status, Fame

This is often denied but secretly admitted, stated or viewed as the easiest way out or up the social ladder or at the very least the “material” ladder.

It can only then be hoped that the “star” one has hitched one’s wagon to is indeed a high flyer and won’t let us down in any way, shape, or form when circumstances, feelings, or their minds change.

2. Time (Or Lack Thereof) aka the Expiration Date Panic Syndrome

Tick tock… tick tock…This also encompasses the “Biological Clock Panic” which used to only apply to women, but as many things are ceasing to be the sole domain of only one gender (except perhaps getting pregnant), this internal clock alarm seems to apply to both men and women who for whatever reason feel that time is running out.

Further justified or unjustified reasons as to why people may feel this way would undoubtedly be rich fodder for shrinks and counsellors and probably might be worth writing another blog post about…

However, we shall not go into detail here except to mention that once the internal “time bomb” starts ticking signaling the real or imagined “used by” date…It propels many people to jump unto the marriage bandwagon in a flurry unmatched by people fleeing a burning building.

3. Lust

Let’s get real here… there’s something about physical appearances and magnetic attraction which really entices and captures us until we are so intoxicated that we mistake it all for another four letter word which starts with L… and this leads us to believe that what we have will last forever.

Well-chiseled faces and a beautifully sculpted bodies certainly have undeniable appeal… Now add those with a dash of pheromones and we have a lethal cocktail which may impede our better judgements from seeing the light.

There’s something to be said about good chemistry but there needs to be something more substantial underneath all the physical compatibility for a marriage to work out.

4. Escape or The Emergency Exit Syndrome

It is also not uncommon that the matrimonial bandwagon serves as an emergency exit by someone who is looking to leave a perceived or real undesirable social, psychological, physical, or emotional situation.

The marriage partner is then seen as the savior, solution or “knight in shining armor”–and it’s all well and good, if this perception is indeed founded on reality… However in some instances, these partnerships fall apart at the seams when the harsh light of reality dawns upon the couples.

5. Broken Heart aka On the Rebound

After a relationship gone wrong, acquiring another relationship on the rebound is a bad idea… however, there are some people who go the extra length to make an even bigger mistake by getting married to someone else who is either available or “loves them more” or who simply proposed.  It cannot be said too many times that getting married to escape heartbreak is a recipe for disaster in more ways than one.

6. Desperation

Another unhealthy reason for getting married is desperation: the feeling that one has “missed the bus” and would hop on to the next bus or mode of transportation which comes along. In other words, one simply accepts the next offer of marriage which comes along because one does not want to be alone in any way, shape, or form.

7. Social or Familial Pressure

In some societies or families, more than others, adults need to be married otherwise, it is perceived that there is something wrong with them. This then leads a lot of people who are not suitable to be married psychologically, mentally, or emotionally or people who are not ready to be married to hop aboard the marriage express simply to fit in or to show that there is nothing wrong with them–that someone is willing to marry them.  Hindsight would always say that succumbing to social/familial/peer pressure is more trouble than it’s worth further down the line. Get a clue.

8. Boredom and Loneliness

Sometimes, nothing is happening in one’s life and one is so bored and/or lonely that one wants to “shake things up.” Instead of getting a new hobby or pet or relationship, one decides to get into a permanent legal entanglement by acquiring a new husband/wife. Unless one is really lucky and manages to circumvent the probable odds of finding the perfect marriage partner through this method, the harsh light of time soon will show that planning a road trip with friends or taking a vacation somewhere might have been a better solution with coping with boredom and/or loneliness.

9. Settling/Resignation/Giving Up

Sometimes one gets tired of waiting or believing that soul mates exist and that their one true love is just around the corner so one gives up the search/fight and just resigns themselves to the next available warm body who offers a permanent attachment. This is of course another method of gambling one’s life away, and one can only hope that resigning to fate and taking the chance would pay off and lead to some form or semblance of happiness.  Some people do really luck out, but of course, they are more the exception than the rule.

10. Fear of the Unknown

Facing life alone indefinitely or being alone indefinitely scares people as though the state of single blessedness is akin to going into the woods alone and not knowing what one will encounter… after all, when we look around, most people who are vocal about getting married and how lovely it is to get married, are people who have gone down that predictable road whether the results have been preferable or not. Facing life as a single person becomes to much to bear that one gets gripped by the fear and dials it up as time passes.  This is when some people lower their standards and expectations and decide that someone–anyone, really–would do.  Whether it is the right decision, time can only tell.

However it has to be said that marriage is so important that it can make or break a person. Getting married or doing things for the wrong reasons seldom results in true happiness.

(c) Niconica 2011*

* does not apply to all the images