Heartless

Every once so often we fall for the wrong person–the person who appears to be heartless and insensitive perhaps as a result of their psychological make-up intermingling with the fact that they have not been hurt before and do not imagine that they will ever be on the receiving side of hurt and pain.

The fact that they have never been hurt before should not be taken against them for it is enviable to have not been crushed before but it is the fact that they have never been hurt before compounded by their lack of empathy and compassion which contribute to their callousness. It is this special blend of being lucky and a certain lack of humanity which peppers interactions with them as cruel when they are in a lousy mood, callous or insensitive when they are in an indifferent mood, and nice when they are in a good mood and they deign to humor our bids for attention.

There is no excuse for this particular brand of insensitivity except for the blatant fact that it marks them as unfeeling human beings who think that they will not one day get what they dish out. It may not be within this lifetime but it will come and it will catch them unawares and amazed at how life can be so cruel to them.

There is a certain level of decency required within the realms of human interaction and rejecting the romantic advances of a person is part of the game but there is an acceptable way of going about it. Subjecting someone to periodic doses of one’s cruelty and insensitivity is not even remotely acceptable conduct with one’s friends, what more with someone we are considering as a romantic possibility.

Abusing someone’s good nature and goodwill only goes so far. It is better to forego all contact altogether than to maintain contact which includes passive aggressive behaviour, mocking, condescension, contempt, and callousness which might be behaviour one might imagine someone would exhibit to their enemy.

We do not have to be pushovers and accept every romantic overture like a patsy but we do not have to be pricks during interactions, forgetting conveniently that the person in the other end has feelings too.

Heartless people have their wires crossed at the most basic level–thinking that cruel or insensitive words and behaviour are acceptable when they are not on the receiving end of it… And they will continue to do so unless something so irreversibly painfully traumatic occurs that it will jog them to their senses and realise that their lack of decency is not pleasant to deal with at all. Until then, they will continue to rack up karmic demerits which they will have to pay for eventually. Someday, somehow. And it won’t be pretty. But it will be too late to turn back the clock.

(c) Niconica 2012.

Belonging

As humans we search for belonging and when we find that community where there is a genuine trust and respect which have built up due to having endured high-pressure situations and challenges together, it can be said to be a blessing.

A community which is built from this sense of belonging becomes thriving and peaceful at the same time, but not without needing to remove individuals who are detrimental to the psychological wellbeing of the group.

Belonging is a priceless feeling and is one of the factors of being able to build a successful, dynamic and harmonious community which can really make a difference.

(c) Niconica 2012

On Beating A Dead Horse

There is an age old adage which admonishes us to stop beating a dead horse which is to say that we must stop all futile attempts however in real life it’s easier said than done. We all tend to follow our habituations and attempt to do what another adage defines as insanity–doing the same thing and expecting different results.

It’s exponentially hard in the realm of romance when our better judgement is clouded by our desire for someone and we desperately want them to reciprocate our feelings for them. We tend to think that hard work would pay off but more often than not, it doesn’t work or is counter-productive. On the off chance that our persistence does reap rewards, the results might either be short-lived or half-baked-or both.

The key is being able to recognize a list cause and being able to conjure up the willpower to walk away from something or someone whom we really fancy and save ourselves the wastes time and effort. In order to stop beating a dead horse, so to speak, we must first recognize that the horse is indeed dead. Coming to this realization through the fog of our denial isn’t easy when we vehemently wish this were not the case. However, sooner or later the facts catch up with us and we must face reality and walk away from a hopeless situation.

(c) Niconica 2012

The Trouble with “Final Decisions”

To paraphrase Proust, all our final decisions are made in a fleeting state of mind and it couldn’t be more true. We always think we know what we are about and something comes in and changes the equation completely.

We must be careful about stating things with finality because change is constant and we don’t know what the next few minutes, much less, the next few hours or days have in store for us.

We should stand firm with our decisions and by no means be flaky but at the same time, we must have the courage, vigilance, and openness to the possibility of adjusting our course and being more flexible to adapt to different circumstances.

The trouble with so-called final decisions is that they are never really set in stone because there is always a possibility that somewhere down the line we end up eating our words. Before that happens, we must be careful with what we say, lest we regret them and worst, have to backtrack and amend them because no one can really say what the future holds.

(c) Niconica 2012

A Self-generated Love Affair

When we fancy someone enough, we are fully capable of generating an extrapolated love affair with them in our minds. We can easily skew their undetermined responsiveness to our bids for attention as reciprocity of our feelings when they could be viewing it merely as friendship.

Unless there is a direct declaration of interest from the object of our interest even if they may appear to possibly be flirting with us, they still have the element of deniability where they can claim that all was done in friendly fondness or whatnot even if these statements sound like excuses.

We must keep in mind not to escalate the love story we are weaving in our minds with every deniable interaction with the object of our intense affections because unless more solid indications of affection arise… Notes, SMS, FB, Twitter, and MySpace messages are merely words which can be misinterpreted or misunderstood.

A self-generated love affair might sound preposterous but it is very real and it can happen to the best of us when we are in the throes of infatuation and the conclusions we draw might be biased and unsound and lead us down a potential painful road. Avoiding this is easier said than done, of course, but we must attempt to be vigilant and not allow our feelings to lead us astray.

(c) Niconica 2012

Rejection By Any Other Name

We all fear rejection and for good reason. It comes as no surprise that we are slow to accept the fact that we have been rejected by someone. Our sense of self-preservation causes us to deny what is happening. This coping mechanism while immediately kind is ultimately cruel to us.

We must get past that denial and eventually realise that rejection by any other name is still what it is: rejection. If we try to sugar coat it and whitewash it, we merely prolong engaging in the appropriate stages of grief as we bid our frustrated desires goodbye.

This is the only way we would learn to heal and move on: by staring reality in the face, feeling the pain, and eventually coming to grips with it. There is nothing to be gained by prolonging our stay in a situation where we are not welcome, nor should we desire to do so.

(c) Niconica 2012

Distancing

It does not take a genius to figure out when someone is distancing themselves from us… And even a genius would struggle to cope with the pain which rejection brings.

It might be better if we had enough pride to just walk away or if we were too apathetic to even care… However, we are just but human and the painful process of coming into grips with the rejection has to start eventually.

If it was right it should be this complicated and the avoidance and distancing of the person says more than we possibly can bear to hear and yet we can’t seem to accept the excruciating truth.

If this is the case, it’s time to wake up and get a grip on ourselves.

(c) Niconica 2012

Why We Need A Good Emotional Anchor

More often than not we let ourselves get carried away by our feelings and it’s not the most prudent way of going about our lives.

Many people tend to play fast and loose with their words and actions and when we take them seriously, we lose our balance and find ourselves falling for them even if they don’t deserve it.

We must have a good emotional anchor and not let mere words or fleeting moments sway us because these cannot be counted upon in the long run. It is not and shouldn’t be about impulse.

We should not impute more behind people’s words and actions than they have specified because seeing such show of affection with rose-coloured glasses will not be to our benefit.

We must hold fast to our centres, to our emotional anchor and not be swayed by mere gestures and call to mind the general tendency and history of interactions and keep things in perspective.

Just because we fancy someone, it’s not enough cause to lose our sense over them. We can fancy someone and hold back because it doesn’t mean we have to go after everything and anything that catches our eye especially if mixed signals are being given.

Let’s not mistake friendly affection for something more than that and this down to earth approach will be easier to achieve with a strong emotional anchor– one that will be a product of our self-discipline and self-preservation instinct.

(c) Niconica 2012

Turning Someone Down

There is a fine line between being honest and being brutally honest. There is a fine line between being brutally honest and downright mean. People seem to forget these when they are not on the receiving end of such treatment.

Sometimes when we feel that someone is in love with us and we are compelled to turn them away for whatever reasons, either due to our own personality disorder, faulty assumptions, or genuine good intentions, there is a better way to go about it without crushing the other.

Often narcissistic personalities who have been genetically blessed with good looks do not think twice of breaking someone’s feelings with cruel words and spiteful assumptions. It can only be hoped that they would eventually have a taste of their own medicine.

More than learning how to turn someone down gently, the person who intends to go that way should determine whether the context is appropriate for such words. It would be adding insult to injury to harshly turn someone down who is not actually propositioning us or otherwise interested.

Turning someone down need not be a cruel maneuver or an unnecessary one if we actually considered more than out self-interest in the interaction. Take heed, what goes around comes around.

(c) Niconica 2012

Resolving Conflict in Relationships

Resolving conflict within a relationship requires the ability to articulate where we are emotionally without attacking, blaming, or accusing the other party.

Once blame and guilt step into the picture, the conversation would get skewed because one or both of the parties would enter into self-defence mode and communication would shut down.

As much as it hurts we must be mindful of the right of the other person to feel as they do and not be on the same page with us. We can only express our desire for certain understandings without belabouring the matter unnecessarily.

Emotional outbursts are symptoms of unexpressed and unarticulated resentment and frustration and as long as these are not put on the table, there would be no opportunity for the issues to be addressed fairly and honestly.

It goes without saying that there must be a mutual willingness of both parties to work matters out. Unnecessary walk outs or passive aggressive avoidance of the other “to teach the other a lesson” will only serve to aggravate matters.

The truth can hurt but how it is stated need not be brutal and how it is handled need not be cruel. The issues are painful as it is and need not be intensified by petty or vicious personal attacks or sarcastic comments.

Compromise would be necessary for both parties. The conflict will not be resolved if one person simply gets their way and the other submits. Authoritarian handling of the matters by the more dominant personality will only undermine the long term viability of the agreement or resolution.

If we merely wanted to have our own way with everything and have no flexibility with what we want to achieve within the context of the relationship then we should question ourselves as to whether we might be better off without the relationship.

Being in a relationship entails the consideration of the other into the equation and a pragmatic consideration of their personality, strengths, and limitations.

We must learn to work within the limitations of the relationship without limiting the potential of the relationship since mutual growth is an ideal goal of conflict resolution.

In the course of growth pains and working through difficult issues, it is hoped that both people find within themselves to stretch their boundaries and be able to accommodate the other lovingly and respectfully into each other’s lives.

(c) Niconica 2012