Heartless

Every once so often we fall for the wrong person–the person who appears to be heartless and insensitive perhaps as a result of their psychological make-up intermingling with the fact that they have not been hurt before and do not imagine that they will ever be on the receiving side of hurt and pain.

The fact that they have never been hurt before should not be taken against them for it is enviable to have not been crushed before but it is the fact that they have never been hurt before compounded by their lack of empathy and compassion which contribute to their callousness. It is this special blend of being lucky and a certain lack of humanity which peppers interactions with them as cruel when they are in a lousy mood, callous or insensitive when they are in an indifferent mood, and nice when they are in a good mood and they deign to humor our bids for attention.

There is no excuse for this particular brand of insensitivity except for the blatant fact that it marks them as unfeeling human beings who think that they will not one day get what they dish out. It may not be within this lifetime but it will come and it will catch them unawares and amazed at how life can be so cruel to them.

There is a certain level of decency required within the realms of human interaction and rejecting the romantic advances of a person is part of the game but there is an acceptable way of going about it. Subjecting someone to periodic doses of one’s cruelty and insensitivity is not even remotely acceptable conduct with one’s friends, what more with someone we are considering as a romantic possibility.

Abusing someone’s good nature and goodwill only goes so far. It is better to forego all contact altogether than to maintain contact which includes passive aggressive behaviour, mocking, condescension, contempt, and callousness which might be behaviour one might imagine someone would exhibit to their enemy.

We do not have to be pushovers and accept every romantic overture like a patsy but we do not have to be pricks during interactions, forgetting conveniently that the person in the other end has feelings too.

Heartless people have their wires crossed at the most basic level–thinking that cruel or insensitive words and behaviour are acceptable when they are not on the receiving end of it… And they will continue to do so unless something so irreversibly painfully traumatic occurs that it will jog them to their senses and realise that their lack of decency is not pleasant to deal with at all. Until then, they will continue to rack up karmic demerits which they will have to pay for eventually. Someday, somehow. And it won’t be pretty. But it will be too late to turn back the clock.

(c) Niconica 2012.

On Beating A Dead Horse

There is an age old adage which admonishes us to stop beating a dead horse which is to say that we must stop all futile attempts however in real life it’s easier said than done. We all tend to follow our habituations and attempt to do what another adage defines as insanity–doing the same thing and expecting different results.

It’s exponentially hard in the realm of romance when our better judgement is clouded by our desire for someone and we desperately want them to reciprocate our feelings for them. We tend to think that hard work would pay off but more often than not, it doesn’t work or is counter-productive. On the off chance that our persistence does reap rewards, the results might either be short-lived or half-baked-or both.

The key is being able to recognize a list cause and being able to conjure up the willpower to walk away from something or someone whom we really fancy and save ourselves the wastes time and effort. In order to stop beating a dead horse, so to speak, we must first recognize that the horse is indeed dead. Coming to this realization through the fog of our denial isn’t easy when we vehemently wish this were not the case. However, sooner or later the facts catch up with us and we must face reality and walk away from a hopeless situation.

(c) Niconica 2012

That Awkward Moment

Have you had that awkward moment where you realize that you perhaps feel more towards a friend than you should and suddenly you see them in a different light–a light which wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place?

It’s an awkward moment when our feelings go beyond what we expect and place us in a potentially painful situation especially when the person has clearly stated their intention to be merely friends with us.

We, of course, don’t let on that we feel the way we do towards them and proceed to maintain amicable relations while perhaps internally panicking and processing what can be done to deal with the situation especially when the other person’s stance appears to be quite fixed.

Perhaps we realize that we need to back off and let a bit more time pass for the awkwardness to wash off and perhaps it’s also because we would need to distance ourselves from someone whom we feel more for than we should.

Perhaps we might realize through several repeats of distancing ourselves and becoming close once again with the person who has caught our eye (and perhaps our heart) that we cannot handle being in contact with them anymore because it would get awkward at best and intensely painful at worst.

Perhaps what the awkward moment is telling us is that we can’t handle being just friends with someone whom we feel more for than they do for us. Perhaps it might be time to back off and let go.

(c) Niconica 2012

The Trouble with “Final Decisions”

To paraphrase Proust, all our final decisions are made in a fleeting state of mind and it couldn’t be more true. We always think we know what we are about and something comes in and changes the equation completely.

We must be careful about stating things with finality because change is constant and we don’t know what the next few minutes, much less, the next few hours or days have in store for us.

We should stand firm with our decisions and by no means be flaky but at the same time, we must have the courage, vigilance, and openness to the possibility of adjusting our course and being more flexible to adapt to different circumstances.

The trouble with so-called final decisions is that they are never really set in stone because there is always a possibility that somewhere down the line we end up eating our words. Before that happens, we must be careful with what we say, lest we regret them and worst, have to backtrack and amend them because no one can really say what the future holds.

(c) Niconica 2012

Terms of Engagement

I’m sure there are people who cherish dancing between the lines of vagueness and inconstancy but I do not think I would ever be one of those people who enjoy playful and excruciating uncertainty.

When dealing with people, I prefer for things to be straightforward and clear and yet when things which we don’t like to hear (also known as: rejection) are stated plain as day we also have a problem with it.

Theoretically, we like the terms of engagement and mechanics of the relationship to be put forward as plain as day but when they are, we might regret that we wanted things to be clear.

The idea of clear terms of engagement when we are in the stage of uncertainty and getting to know a potential love interest might be appealing but it sometimes can take the fun and interest out of the interaction; however, the guessing game can get old and we might be left wishing we had known sooner than later what we were up for.

(c) Niconica 2012

Uncomplicated

Love should be uncomplicated. Relating with our significant other should be uncomplicated. More often than not, it’s not as simple as we wish it to be, especially during the initial stages when we are trying to find out where we stand with the other.

It almost feels like we’re playing emotional poker where we try to figure out the other person’s hand without revealing our own until we are sure of theirs. This is where it gets complicated–all our defense mechanisms and issues coming into play.

It should be just as simple as expressing interest in each other and discussing where it’s heading instead of prolonging the interaction with tricks, distancing, and evasion just to bounce back again with expressions of interest.

It shouldn’t be about games and delays and confusing and mixed signals because this way it can get convoluted and ultimately, messy. It could be straightforward and romantic instead of drawn out and torturous, but sometimes, it isn’t because one person prefers to play around and is hesitant to even approach anything which might spell commitment.

In this case, it’s best to cut our losses and head for the nearest exit if we’re lucky enough to still have our heart intact. If not, then we better hope that we survive the experience with the least damage possible.

(c) Niconica 2012

Intangible Attraction

There are a lot of visually pleasing or otherwise attractive people in the world but as a general rule, we don’t get attracted to all of them.

In a world where we are all increasingly monetarily and commercially driven, we like the idea where everything can be quantified and it throws us off when we experience something intangible.

Fair enough, it may be biologically dictated, and may be explained to a certain extent but I’d like to think that there is something intangible about how certain people affect us.

We are attracted to whom we are attracted to and it’s just how it is. What is within in our control is what we do about that attraction, whether we want to act on it or just let it be.

We feel different chemistry with different people and attraction need not be limited to one person and while we might find quite a few people attractive, we would find even fewer people whom we are seriously attracted to and the fans of the attraction is usually fanned by contact and interaction with the person, that is unless one is of the stalker persuasion and this would be an altogether different thing entirely.

Back to the topic, we may be out of contact with the person for a bit but generally, unless something pivotal causes the attraction momentum to pause or be diverted, if usually picks up where it leaves off and unless the person seriously dissuades us from going down that path we tend to be drawn like a moth to the flame–entrances without knowing why.

And the story continuous until there is enough reason to stop. Compelling attraction is intangible and powerful so we best keep in mind that it might be dangerous as well. We can acknowledge this and at best try to keep ourselves in check. Besides, without further encouragement from the person, we won’t and shouldn’t be masochistic enough to go down the road a risk rejection or serious emotional damage.

(c) Niconica 2012

Romantic Detachment

What does it say about us when we find that we somehow aren’t as keen for someone as we once were? It has to be said that the petering out of emotions doesn’t easily happen when our romantic gestures are warmly and promptly reciprocated but when this factor is lacking and we find ourselves on the pursuing end, it can happen that the interest wanes at some point and it’s strange to experience this especially when we know intellectually that we are into that person and it’s hard to explain why the tap runs out somehow and even when they make gestures to reach out, it can feel that it’s too little to late or just simply less appealing as we used to find it.

It may be that the cat and mouse game has simply run it’s course or perhaps we get exhausted of all the “is it or isn’t it” mind games and an off-switch gets triggered within us and we feel detached towards someone whom we used to avidly fancy. This tipping point could be the result of many factors such as the feeling that the person we desire is pushing us away for a significant period of time and it’s just gotten to a point where we “get the point” already or it could be the previously stated reason plus personal problems, issues, illness, circumstances, and life events which exacerbate the situation and we feel lukewarm, detached, and/or indifferent towards the person.

It’s a strange feeling because we are used to feeling so strongly about the person and receiving any form of correspondence from them would elicit an immediate and enthusiastic response from us, but when we are in a detached state, we couldn’t care less or can’t be bothered that they have contacted us and the same gestures which we would have warmly received before seem rather pale and uninteresting.

There is a sense of the hangover from the romantic interest but it feels less real somehow and there would be moments that some vestige of interest or nostalgia would creep in and we would make the requisite reaching out towards the person but somehow it is just not the same. It’s like trying to reheat food in a microwave, the quality of the food is affected somehow.

In our minds we know we like the person but it seems that there is some sort of disconnect or disparity presence with how we feel and we might eventually reconcile it somehow. We might realise that the romantic detachment was merely a phase or we might realise that it’s for good. The jury is still out on that. Time will tell.

(c) Niconica 2012

On an Emotional Safe Ground

It is essential for couples and would-be couples to establish safe ground for the relationship to thrive and this is done through building trust, affirming each other, investing enough time for each other for the relationship to blossom, and keeping agreements.

It is important that communication be unambiguous (read as: no mind games). When we try to employ tactics to test the other instead of being up front and engaging in discussion, this might eventually backfire on us when our partner gets exhausted with trying to figure us out.

Inasmuch as we need assurance in order to move forward and escalate our involvement with the other, we must understand that the other may need the same assurance too–this is assuming that the feelings are mutual.

As adults, all carry our inherent vulnerabilities and emotional injuries into the interaction and we would naturally be extremely hesitant to expose our vulnerabilities andante be honest about what we need or want for whatever reason. It is only by knowing that one is in an emotional sanctuary that we would even think about letting our guards down and opening up.

The first step in moving towards this direction is endeavouring to be transparent with each other about our hopes and requirements for the potential or current relationship, more importantly the needs which we feel have not been met by the partner. It is not to say that we should take every vaunted feeling in this conversation as gospel truth since these are, at best, our personal truths and at worst, biased opinions.

We must keep an open mind–enough for the partner to respond and share their truths and perspectives without feeling defensive and without becoming accusatory or antagonistic.

Safe ground is not a sterile passive place where it becomes by default ‘safe’ because nothing is happening and both people are so polite to each other and adverse to conflict that nothing gets brought out to the open and discussed. Furthermore, the emotional safe ground is not considered safe by virtue of an absence of emotions but rather characterised by a welcoming attitude to possibly messy emotions. It is where both people can bring up their most awkward sentiments and not feel contempt or judgement from the other; but instead, be able to find affection and acceptance.

Establishing this emotional space is no mean feat… It requires true gumption from both parties and the ability to take the risk of being authentic and even vulnerable. It also requires consistent input and upkeep from both parties to keep the space safe for each other. It is only upon establishing and maintainibg an emotional safe ground that the relationship would have a respectable chance at thriving and remaining healthy–definite not for the faint of heart. People who like to play it safe need not apply.

(c) Niconica 2012

A Self-generated Love Affair

When we fancy someone enough, we are fully capable of generating an extrapolated love affair with them in our minds. We can easily skew their undetermined responsiveness to our bids for attention as reciprocity of our feelings when they could be viewing it merely as friendship.

Unless there is a direct declaration of interest from the object of our interest even if they may appear to possibly be flirting with us, they still have the element of deniability where they can claim that all was done in friendly fondness or whatnot even if these statements sound like excuses.

We must keep in mind not to escalate the love story we are weaving in our minds with every deniable interaction with the object of our intense affections because unless more solid indications of affection arise… Notes, SMS, FB, Twitter, and MySpace messages are merely words which can be misinterpreted or misunderstood.

A self-generated love affair might sound preposterous but it is very real and it can happen to the best of us when we are in the throes of infatuation and the conclusions we draw might be biased and unsound and lead us down a potential painful road. Avoiding this is easier said than done, of course, but we must attempt to be vigilant and not allow our feelings to lead us astray.

(c) Niconica 2012